chains be broken (blog)

Journal followup

2010-09-18T06:45:00.001-07:00

Its been some time since I've posted so before I go into anything else I should follow up with the journal thing.

Sometime ago, I was struggling spiritually again. I felt tired, beat down, lifeless. I can not believe how depressed I was about this stupid journal! My prayer life, like I said, was lacking and therefore I had become so withdrawn from the Lord. It was in this time that I finally decided enough is enough. That I did not need a journal to pray and it was time to press back in.

Papa met me in this moment and recharged my life! My relationship with him has been made even stronger I feel, and its so good to be able to meet him anytime, anyplace... no matter if I have my journal to write everything out or not.

Before this time I was praying a lot that the Lord would help me find my journal, and I found myself getting frustrated that it didn't seem to be getting answered. Then on a totally random day, after I had starting praying to the Lord and pressing in I found my journal in a completely random place, while looking for something else.

That evening i was sitting in bed, reading through old entries, getting ready to write a new one when a realization came to me. The Lord still answered my prayer to find my journal, but he did not allow me to find it until i was ready to come to him without it. I couldn't help but smile at how great of a father he is, and how subtly he teaches us and grows us in every aspect of our lives. He is SOO involved with us and growing us in anyway he can, even by taking something away so small as a journal for a time in order to draw us closer to him. I absolutely love these moments, even if they are hard...where I can just sit back and reflect on how beautiful he is.

ahhhh :)

Journal

2010-07-06T10:05:00.001-07:00

I lost my journal.

Some of you may not see this as a big deal, but to me it really really sucks.

Im not really good about praying.. out loud, or even in my head. Im also not any good at verbalizing my feelings. This is why I really really loved my journal. I could have my daily conversations with Papa and express how I was feeling. It was great and my favorite thing about writing out my prayers is looking back to what I prayed for and seeing how my life has changed since then, what prayers were answered and which ones I need to keep praying for.

You might say "well you could always get another journal".

Yes, you are right. I could totally get another journal but for some reason I just... can't.

Im so depressed about all the memories lost now with that journal. I don't want to think about someone finding it and reading everything and IM so saddened by the fact that I won't get to go back through the pages and see my heart in its purest form.

Im so depressed about it that I can't start over.

So now, Im stuck... my prayer life is lacking because that was how I prayed!

I feel like I lost my best friend. Like a huge piece of who I am is gone.

ugh. Im so dramatic

2010-04-08T21:14:00.001-07:00

I have issues that Im not sure I will ever get over.

2010-02-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in a while, but it seems im not the only one who has seemed to died out somewhat from the blogging world.

Anyways whats new with me?

God has filled me with a trust I cannot explain in this time of lack. The old me would be freaking out about the situation we are in, yet I am so content. The other day we even received a check for a couple hundred dollars randomly!! They didn't even know we were hard for money from what I can tell. (and no it was not from my parents, or anyone related to me for that matter)God is showing me that his promise is true and it is so good to be able to trust in and rest in that promise!

My spirit has been filled with the HOLY spirit and i feel as if I am bursting at the seams. This last sunday was one of the best mornings of worship I have had in a while. I almost lost composure and burst out laughing off of the spiritual high I was feeling. I felt as if my fingers moved on their own as I played my violin, I felt as if I wasn't just playing notes at all but speaking something so personal and intimate with my Papa.

I am filled with a hunger to learn more about my papa, my jesus and the holy spirit. It is so exciting to know that there is soo much to learn about my creator that I could spend the rest of my life soaking in all I can and never even touch the surface!

I struggle with things of my past occasionally creeping up on me. I feel the sting every once and a while but it is gone almost as soon as it comes because I can rejoice in all that Papa has brought me from!

I was but an orphan-without hope, wondering, without identity, isolated, living for myself my- own terms, not belonging.

but you said " I will not leave you as orphans. I WILL come to you" -John 14:18

" fo you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship. and by him we cry, ABBA, father!" -Romans 8:15

by the spirit of adoption we have been given by God a destiny which is transformed into conformity of the image and likeness of God!

I am thankful for this. I am thankful for these hard times, for if jesus learned obedience from suffering before dying on the cross, then how can I not expect to suffer with him in order that I might become more like him?

more later...

2010-01-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

Everything is so fickle to me.

I don't know what it is I really want.

From me, from Jake, from God, From life

My days are typically spent doing the things I feel I have to do, not what I want to do.

However, doing the things I want to do feels selfish to me for some reason when I feel there are things I need to do. I would love to spend hours creating with beads, yarn, fabric, writing, music whatever. However, it doesn't make any money for that day and im left with a messy house, which makes me feel like i've accomplished nothing. I feel like I have let my husband down when he returns home from work, like I haven't done my part.

I can't tell if these are legitimate feelings, or if they are from woundings growing up watching my mother try so hard to make the house perfect so my father wouldn't yell at her.

I feel like Im in a lose-lose situation.

I lose if I never do what I want, and I lose if I do and feel I haven't done my part as a mother/wife.

I get so guilty thinking about how I just want to run off sometimes and feel what it feels like not to care about anything in the world again. I love my family and what I have been given, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit at times that it can be overwhelming for me. To feel like I give myself all day and have nothing at the end of it for myself.

I used to write music and lyrics for hours. Now my mind is too busy thinking of all i need to do that day that the words seem to be pushed behind somewhere. Close enough that I know they are there, yet too far to grab onto.

I want so badly to feel like Im doing all the things my heart desires. Its not that I want it to be all about me or something. I just want to have an equal balance. I just want to be satisfied, instead I feel as if I am in constant thirst.

and who likes being thirsty?

2009-12-30T16:09:00.001-08:00

2009-12-08T11:40:00.001-08:00

Someone please buy me this as a house warming gift.

its only 2,700 dollars...

2009-12-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

i don't know if im just crazy or something but...

i really want another baby!!

what should I do???

update

2009-11-30T06:52:00.001-08:00

life is good.

pics of the new house to come when I finish painting and moving in!

2009-11-11T08:18:00.000-08:00

We cannot serve two masters. We CANNOT.

We cannot say that we are christians and love God with all our heart and also love the world. We must hate one and love the other.

Do you think that God sent his only son to die for us and suffer so that we can merely declare with our lips that we are christian and still turn away from him with our hearts.

We cannot be sucked into the world and what it wants us to believe is important.

Life is not about growing up, going to school, getting a job raising and family with a white picket fence. Its about Loving God and bringing Glory to God and nothing else.

It is about carrying our cross and following the one who IS and WAS and Always will be.

ARE YOU LUKEWARM??

1) Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly either because it’s expected of them or because they like the people there. It’s what “good Christians” do.

2) Lukewarm people give money and time to the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it’s easy and safe to give, they do so.

3) Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right in conflict. They want to fit in both inside the church and outside of it. They care more about what people think of their actions than what God thinks of their heart.

4) Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want to be saved from the penalty for their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and are not truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them.

5) Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones. These people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all of his followers.

6) People rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.

7) Lukewarm people love God, but they don’t love him with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much but that sort of devotion is only for pastors and missionaries and radicals.

8 ) Lukewarm people want pastors that will point out to them their gifts, but not pastors who will point out to them their sin.

9) Lukewarm people are continually concerned with safety and comfort. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

Revelation 3:15-16 ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. 16 ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

he goes on to say: I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. 19 ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.20 ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. 21 ‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 22 ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

I hope that you are convicted by these things as I was. I am lukewarm and I do not want to be. Therefore Papa I ask that you make me like the Gold. Refine me so that I may become rich. Clothe me in white. Turn my soul away from its selfish desire and set it solely on you My God. For you are all that I need, all that I desire and I want to love you with all my HEART all my MIND and all my STRENGTH.

Let me hear your voice and open the door! Let me wash your feet with my hair and tears. Please lord let me sit with you. Open my ears so that I may hear and KNOW that you are God.

Amen.

swell season

2009-11-03T07:23:00.001-08:00

Dear M and D

2009-10-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

I wish you cared.

idleness

2009-10-12T10:26:00.002-07:00

I have grown tired of my idleness.Jesus did not ask for a piece of myself but for the whole thing!I was not chosen to merely blend in and live in what is comfortable.what was I thinking when I prayed for a heart like his?? What was I expecting?Now Im sitting here with an anxious heart with no idea what is going on inside me. Why should I be surprised then when this life I now live is leaving me yearning for something else.The day I let him into my soul, he planted something in me that has been growing and has now ran out of room in the life i now lead.After all "faith without deeds is dead"
I ready lord. Im ready to stop talking for a minute and listen to what you want from me. Im ready to start believing in you. Which is the hardest part isn't it?Because to believe in you, is to disbelieve myself.

BB

2009-10-12T10:26:00.001-07:00

I love watching you grow.

Each day i swear I can't love you anymore, yet every day my heart seems stretched to a new capacity.

You make me want to try harder.

To be a better person.

To do things right for once.

To change

Papa,

please don't let me mess this up.

love,

chels

Continuation

2009-09-22T11:21:00.001-07:00

Once again I am feeling less than grand.

I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.

I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)

However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"

I could blame it on... well lets not go there...

but I still think its more than just that.

I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?

Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?

Lets hope so.

But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.

Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.

I HATE MY JOB.

There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.

Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.

My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.

But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.

I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..

The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.

I want a job where I am NEEDED.

I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.

I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.

and that feels terrible to me.

I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!

and I don't feel that way.

But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.

Because I need the flexible schedule.

So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.

Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.

thanks

love,

Chelsea

Potty

2009-09-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

So maddi has officially gone pee pee on the potty 3 times now : )

SAWWEET!

P.S.

2009-09-12T19:08:00.001-07:00

Im really lonely today.

2009-09-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.

Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Most of the time Im confused by you.

yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.

you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.

I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.

If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.

ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.

I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....

normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.

My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.

You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.

plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.

Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.

they aren't very forgiving.

you can't put God in a box stupid.

2009-08-27T05:35:00.000-07:00

Okay.

So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)

Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.

But then life pulled a quick one on me.

Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.

I just didn't understand.

"GOD I THOUGH WE WERE HEALED, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? HASN'T SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH SICKNESS LONG ENOUGH??"

--silence--

Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.

"GOD. ABBA. PAPPA. WHERE ARE YOU? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON. WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS?"

--silence--

"WELL WHAT IF SHE STOPS BELIEVING IN YOU LORD?"

--silence--

"WELL...WHAT IF HER BOYFRIEND NEVER FINDS YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FIX THINGS."

--silence--

more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.

i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...

"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.

"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..

and so on and so on...

Then I couldn't even talk to God.

I didn't want to.

I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.

I ran away from him.

I got angry at him for leaving me again.

for being silent.

for not explaining it to me.

for letting me be afraid.

Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.

She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.

"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."

wow.

Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?

I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.

and then he pulled a quick one on me.

but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.

Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.

All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.

He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.

And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "

but I trust you, lead the way.

maddi me

2009-08-24T13:49:00.001-07:00

okay.

im in there somewhere right?? (im the one with brown hair of course)

he loves us

2009-08-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

if this doesnt at least make your eyes burn then you are a cyborg.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

stale

2009-08-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

my life is back to the same rhythm.

Im not sure I like it this way.

don't get me wrong.

I love my life.

I love my husband and my really goofy/weird/cute/crazy daughter.

but somedays I feel like im on auto pilot.

I was meant for adventure.

For change

And i don't always get much of that.

Maddison just pooped her pants and it is stinking the whole room up.

Im ready for her to be potty trained.. lllllooolll

Since I can't move somewhere to feed my need for change/adventure..

Im going to switch crafts this time.

Modern quilting.

yeah i know. sounds very grandma but if all goes well it will be awesome.

plus my spinning wheel is getting repaired so i need something grandma ish to do in the mean time.

p.s. I hate cleaning.

p.p.s. i really want a house so that Jake can build me my own art studio for all my crafts. I have far too many and its taking over Maddi's closet

Left and Leaving

2009-08-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy the wolf during this song..

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

snack

2009-07-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

this is my favorite snack and I really really want it right now!

look how green and delicious!

2 years

2009-07-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Today is Jake and I's 2nd anniversary and officially my longest relationship ever.. HA

Gotta be honest in that to say I still can't believe it sometimes.

There are days when I feel like God just completely replaced my heart when I came back from "my Journey" ... but maybe he did?

I am so different from then though.. and people who have known me from before and now continually tell me ALL the time.

Im not so changed though. I still get restless and compelled to do things that i technically shouldn't be compelled to do.. like give your husband hickies for example. I always thought hickies were trashy but for some reason the other night, it just seemed like the right thing to do. lol SORRY JAKE

Jake and I will be getting two days starting tomorrow evening of ALONE TIME

YES!!! We will be getting sushi and watching "UP" in 3D. Im very excited considering the last time I was at the movies was oh... 10 months ago??!!

and SUSHI! how I love thee...

lately I keep freaking out that Im pregnant again, that the IUD i had placed has somehow ..died I guess. This leaves me with moments of panic. What would I do if another baby came along so soon?? Cry most likely. I hate being pregnant, i need some more fetus free time.

Saturday we leave for Michigan for the week. Time to redo my tan, drink a little, sing a little, laugh A LOT, and get me some. HA

Im rambling about nothing important now. I just feel like I need to spew.. stuff.

oh and Maddi loves trying to kiss babies, its SOOOO CUTE!

but I can't find my camera and Im cramping like CRAZY. Just so you all know.

9-5

2009-07-10T07:18:00.001-07:00

Work Work Work

Earn Earn Earn

Spend Spend Spend

(Repeat)

ranting..

2009-07-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

lately i've been craving ___ again.

all the time.

but its illegal and "wrong"...

so they say

and too expensive for anything good

but if it was sitting in front of me, i would take it.

and probably watch flight of the concords

or listen to the knife.

or go for a bike ride

or make smores and get it stuck in my hair

or think about how my parents backyard reminds me of florida from a certain angle

then I would probably want a bubble bath, but then regret it once I got in and realized that baths are really boring.

so I would paint my toenails instead

but then decide that I would rather make corn bread so that I could get an "apple bottom"

then remember that it would just go to my hips and look more like a "pear".

"well screw pears!" i would say

but i love corn bread so I would smother it with butter and eat it anyways. All of it.

Then I would talk myself into believing it not too late for me to be on SYTYCD

knowing in my heart that I have the passion and emotions in me to make everyone cry when I danced to one of Mia Michaels dances.

BUT

it doesn't matter what I would do if i was ___

because its illegal and "wrong"..

..........

so they say.

a couple more pics..

2009-07-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

ummm delicious??

First day walking

2009-07-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

Maddi finally decided to venture out and take her first steps. She hasn't completely mastered it enough to go father than a few feet at a time but she is only 10 months and has plenty of time to practice before her first birthday : )

Zorro is way more interesting than mom

Such concentration!

Oh the excitement! hah

2009-06-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep tonight because there is too much on my mind.

Yet nothing at all.

I can't focus.

Im afraid I don't know my sister anymore and that I won't be able to find her.

I miss her smile

her laugh

her love

I don't know how Im feeling exactly

I wish I wasn't so anxious about this sort of thing.

anyways.

I should try to sleep

I love you jake and Im really going to miss you this week.

You are truly my better half....

I know.. cheesy

Im not sad

2009-06-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just really like his song writing.

Poor little rose, beaten by the rain
In the wind, in the gale, thunder and the hail
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane
Without the numbness or the pain so intense to feel
'Specially now it added up through the years

And I, I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's broke
I taught myself how to grow old

Most of the times I got nothing to say
When I do it's nothing and nobody's there to listen anyway
I know I'm probably better off this way
I just listen to the voices on the TV 'til I'm tired
My eyes grow heavy and I fade away

'Cause I, I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
Though I was crooked on the outside

I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
'Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's caved

Crooked on the outside, inside's caved
Crooked on the outside, inside is caved
I taught myself how to grow old

sit

2009-06-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

im so tired of these restless legs that refuse to move

I wait and wait for a reason but

just make excuses for sleep

I sleep while moving

painting pictures behind sealed eyelids

I get stuck in time

while everything is still moving

and I can't decide whats best for ~~you~~ me

Sometimes i wake up smelling blueberry muffins

Does that mean I miss the country?

I want to make something of this picture

but I keep smearing the lines

I want to change the world

I want to save _____

but I can't catch my breath

and my pulse is slower than than...

theirs.

my floor moves like the water

I like to watch the ripples under your feet

but the water is still beneath mine

and i can't figure out why..

They always said I had a wild imagination

Sometimes I can't tell the difference

I always shuffle my feet

so that I remember to stay on the ground

but I am always up above the city lights

looking for my direction

and there you are.

lately

2009-05-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

Maddison officially is into everything and is everywhere. I made the mistake of letting her sit on the balcony with me while I planted flowers, only to glance over and see a beautiful ring of dirt around her mouth.

A little while later I had to take her to work with me because my mother was unavailable... she was sitting on the floor for .039 seconds by my desk before I looked down to see her chewing on something... a dirty penny. I then proceeded to freak out at how dirty it was and attempt to pour water in her mouth to wash it out.. however she just drank the water and defeated the purpose..

Yesterday I put her on the floor with some toys in my room while I looked in my closet for something to wear... looking over I noticed her moving in to lick an outlet, pulling her away at the last second ( my room is not baby proofed )

despite the latest "scares" I am very happy about where I am in my life. I think i struggled for a while... missing my rambling days, but I've realized that what I have not everyone gets to experience and I am so lucky to have it. I love my daughter more and more everyday and its almost scary. I remember thinking before that I was not looking forward to taking my kids to the kiddy park all day watching them ride those dumb rides... until i went to kingsisland... I looked around and anytime I saw a blonde little three year old girl I missed my Maddi and got excited thinking about her big smile as she went around in circles on the scooby doo ride.

I love being a mom.

I love the way she loves me all the time.

I love how she can recognize my voice even when she is in the middle of a nap upstairs.

I love how she likes to cuddle with me and try and put her fingers up my nose.

I love scooping her up and comforting her when she falls down.

I love when she lets out big farts and then claps her hands afterwards

I love when she purposefully drops food on the floor for the dog to eat

I love when she starts cracking up for being naked right before a bath

I love learning her. Watching her personality bloom with each passing month. There is no way I could ever explain what its like to be a parent to anyone who isn't one. When i look at her, I don't understand how anyone could harm a child/ baby , especially their own. I can't even fathom the kind of love God has for us if it is really more than I have for my daughter.. and I know it is.

I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with in my life. Im so glad that God has delivered me from the old and made me his "new". I can't even imagine where I would be if I had never gotten away from the path I was on. I never would have thought I would want the life I have now.. as if it would be too boring.. meant for when you are older and done having an actual life. But I feel like I am finally really living. Old desires have been replaced with new ones, my heart has been changed so dramatically that most people who knew me from before don't recognize me anymore.

If I could give anyone any advice at all... it would be to just stop trying. Stop trying to find happiness, the perfect lover, the perfect friend, the perfect job, etc. And just let God do it for you. he has your best in mind, and ONLY the best.

Im not saying this to be cheesy or overly romantic or something but the God honest truth.. When I came back from Florida, the first night in bed I prayed that God take over my life. That I needed the next man I let in my life to be the one he had planned for me because i was not strong enough to guard my heart. THE HONEST TRUTH.. the next man I met was Jake, and I had even forgotten the request I had made to God until the night before we got married.

There are so many times when i go back to trying to do everything myself and I usually get overwhelmed and beaten down. Its not until I let God handle everything for me, that I trust that he does have my best in mind and will not forsake me, do I really live the way my heart truly desires.

i really like manchester orchestra

2009-05-10T05:05:00.000-07:00

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
I'm ? with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

hmm

2009-04-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Everybody seems so inspired lately. Im not. Maybe thats a good thing?

Sometimes my family upsets me. Why so angry all the time?

Haley, I wish you were still small, innocent and sweet. I liked it that way and I never appreciated it like I should have.

Dad.. you are funny sometimes, and sometimes when you get drunk and yell vagina, balls and zombie really loud its embarrassing.... its still a little funny though.

Mom, I wish you could forgive.

and forget.

and sometimes I wish you talked to me like your daughter, not your friend, because there are some things I don't think I need to know about because I have enough issues to deal with on my own.

Lord, I really hope you healed my sister tonight like you did me. Im so proud that she had the courage to try and eat bread and I hope that it was you who gave her the courage for a reason. I don't want her to be sick any more and I definitely don't want her to be sick if I am well.

Also.... It would be really cool if you could help me find my journal. I really miss it and I have a lot to say.

thanks.

I love you

goodnight.

Wish

2009-04-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

I wish

I could explain how i've been feeling lately.

unmotivated ?

sometimes I think Im jealous of where your life is taking you even though i'm a part of it.

I guess its because

while I follow the same pattern day after day,

your life is always changing.

something new is always waiting for you.

I can't help that I don't want you to leave me behind sometimes.

right?

I wish you could see that.

Sometimes I think it makes me kind of crazy.

I've been forgetting things.

I can't help but wonder if Im slowly being pushed out

or at least to the back of the line.

when we meet its explosive

but when we are apart i feel like an addict

out of cash.

My heart is guilty for the times I wish things were different

that we could sail away just the two of us

but we can't and I understand that.

and because of her, Im okay with that too.

I do get angry sometimes though

angry that you missed out

that you weren't there to see her stand with no hands

or laugh so hard time stopped for a moment

I know you care

but sometimes it feels like only after everything else.

I know you have your passions that you want to pursue

how could I hold you back?

but what happens when you are mine?

sometimes it feels like this all snuck up on me

and I guess Im still adjusting.

I guess people make sacrifices for the ones they love,

but when will we sacrifice FOR love?

anyways, I just want you to know that im sorry

and Im trying

and... I just miss you is all.

cute video

2009-04-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

The Enemy is real

2009-04-13T06:52:00.000-07:00

I always thought when I was younger, that when you were a christian, things got better for you. Which is why I had so much heart ache and anger for God... so much confusion... so many nights crying out "why me Lord, why do I deserve this sort of life??"

I did not realize how desperately the enemy wanted my soul, that he would not quit so easily. I didn't realize that becoming a christian doesn't put some sort of protective bubble around you life, if anything you become a bigger target to the enemy. Do you think that people living in anger, hate, drugs, violence etc are at greater risk to the evil one than you?? You would be mistaken, the evil one knows they are stuck in their sin, which will bring evil of its own, but those who are falling away from the evil in their lives... they are the real threats.

The hardest for me as of late is dealing with the consequence for getting closer to God. The attacks from the enemy are so much stronger and more powerful. Two weeks after being healed I started getting all my symptoms back. I was filled with fear and at that moment I doubted. After much prayer and few conversations with God, I Realized that even as strong as the enemy felt in my life at the time, my God was stronger and my symptoms once again were gone. I am still healed.

Two days after my vision I was attacked again. I was sad/angry/fearful for what seemed... no reason at all. My weird compulsive things that seemed to have been under control for a while, suddenly came back in full force. The enemy was not ready to surrender, so once again I returned to prayer and the word. I drowned myself in worship music. There was a battle ragging inside of me, yet I knew my God would not forsake me.

I guess what I want to tell everyone that being a christian is not a stroll in the park! God speaks to us constantly. Sometimes he tells us things like "you should give that person a hug" or "you need to apologize"... little things like that, and sometimes you listen to that voice or sometimes you ignore it. But know this:

The more you listen to God, the more you trust in him and his word, the more he entrusts to you. The more your relationship with him grows and the more amazing it is! Yet, with it comes the battle, so be ready my friends to fight. but rest assured that the Lord will not abandon you, he will lift you on the wings of eagles and carry you above the storm.

Have faith, all is not lost!

Ribbon

2009-04-07T05:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my first "vision"

During the worship at house church, someone was talking of God's love. With my eyes tightly closed and my mind focused on him, I asked "God, is that how you feel about me?.. How do you feel about me?" A few moments later I saw myself being wrapped with a large ribbon. It flowed around my body wearing the most beautiful color of pink and orange and gold all put together and it almost seemed to glow. As I saw this the words were spoken to my heart " You are precious, You are MY precious" and the ribbon twirled around me squeezing me almost with an overwhelming love and comfort I could never put into words.

Then I saw the same ribbon start to wisp around like it was a spirit of its own. It was flying back and forth and twirling like the tail on a kite and I could feel my soul flying free as if it was me flying around, dancing almost to the joy in my heart.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and I wish that I could show it to you, but I guess this is the best I can do. I know now that I have crossed the line, and God will continue to speak to me.

My soul has finally listened to the holy spirit or as I like to call him (cousin ) and has also chosen to trust.

Thank you for this gift Lord.

house church

2009-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am really excited because tonight is the "Chris Johnson" church group.

I go to two different house churches alternating mondays. I love my other group because I enjoy talking about God with other people my age and building the relationships, but I LOVE Chris Johnsons group because of the undeniable presence of God that seems to radiate the room each gathering.

This is the group where I received my healing actually. Every single person there is totally on fire for God and its amazing. Everything was so different than anything I have ever experienced in a house church.

The first time I went I have to be honest... I was extremely uncomfortable. Late as usual, I walk into a room where a man is playing some chords on guitar and everyone seems to be ab-libbing their own worship lyrics.whooooaaa...

I of course sit down and start squirming around in my seat, lips sealed refusing to participate in such strange worship and look around the room at all of these "charismatic" people. So what did I see all around the room??

Joy. pure, undeniable joy, as if they could actually see the face of God behind their tightly closed eyelids. It was actually as if they were all stoned actually, or drunk. A few people would just start cracking up for no apparent reason even. And as uncomfortable as I felt, I couldn't help but be completely jealous of every single one of them.

The next time I went, I decided that I was not only going to get there on time(ha!) but I was going to try my hardest to go along with this weird form of worship. Luckily for me the group was smaller, which worked well for my introverted personality. Once we started I said (to myself) "okay God, i want what they have" and I closed my eyes and followed along with the rest. I tried my best to focus completely on God and instead of how ridiculous I felt and I couldn't believe the results. We started the chorus of a regular song (okay this is more like it) and then just went off and it was strangely... not uncomfortable all all. I couldn't believe I was doing it and I could feel it coming straight from heart, and It was as if I could feel God smiling upon me with approval. Then I continued to surprise myself as I added in different hand clap beats.. (WHAT??) it was awesome. everyone added in their little bit and it all came together so beautifully as if we had planned it to be that way.

I realized that the reason it was so beautiful and amazing to me was because I was TRULY worshiping God from the depth of my heart. There was nothing special about what I or anyone in that room was doing or saying, only that we were all giving ourselves completely to God.

The funny thing about it was that it kinda was like being high almost... but better. I've done many drugs in my life and NONE of the highs I've ever gotten (or enjoyed) have ever been quite like what I experienced that day. There was so much happiness pulsing through my veins that I think someone could have punched me square in the face and I would have just laughed and given them a hug.

Now if only I could master KEEPING that feeling going.... Yes then it would be so much easier to deal with all this crap.

well... its a work in progress

Im ready another God high. HIT ME WITH THE JOY BUS LORD!

twitter

2009-04-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

I.dont.get.twitter.really.

its.the.same.as.facebook.status.....

spaces

2009-03-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

my.spacebar.is.broken....

I.used.to.have.an.incurable.disease.called.celiac.disease.

bcause.of.this.disease.anything.with.wheat-barley-rye.made.me.sick,even.the.smallest.amount.

A.few.days.ago.some.people.layed.hands.on.me.and.prayed.

My.face.and.body.got.hot.

I.dont.have.get.sick.anymore.

My.celiac.disease.is.gone.

Most.people.dont.believe.me.

I don't usually do this..

2009-03-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

But I have to get it off my chest so I can breathe a little easier.

It's not fair that your bullshit is having a physical effect on me.

My stomach is twisted in knots even though I feel almost emotionless at times.

I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I guess I thought maybe someday you would practice what you preached.

The best part of it all is that you think I have no idea. You walk around have dead, lost in space, using my time as a distraction from your crumbling state of being.. shrugging it off as "business stress".

Do you not think I know you better than that. It hurts

You never bothered to keep your anger and frustration hidden growing up, so why such the front now? Is it the new image you have worked on attaining over the years too much for you to risk losing?

I knew the way I see you would change over time, but I guess I always thought it would be better as I matured and got closer to "your level of thinking" if you will. However it's been almost the complete opposite. I feel like a child being told the truth about Santa for the first time, as if Im mourning your death or something.

so tell me please, how much longer will we all pretend that everything isn't falling apart? When can we be real with each other? I can't watch her hurt like this anymore. Your cruel waiting game of sharp words and mixed signals have taken their toll. Maybe I am a fool for thinking you could be more of a man than you are the majority of the time.

Things don't have to be the way they are, but you have to be willing to do something about it, instead of waiting for things to change themselves.

This is where things must stop. for me anyways. I don't want to be trapped in the sin of my generations any longer.

ALSO,despite how it might seem....I do still love you.

Please

2009-03-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

someone please buy this for me

Pictures

2009-03-11T14:07:00.000-07:00

oldness

2009-03-06T13:35:00.001-08:00

there was this one time... where I was the angry chic that got hit by a car.

Latest Dream..

2009-02-27T08:34:00.001-08:00

There is something strange about my dreams. At first I thought maybe I just have such vivid strange dreams because Im weird and imaginative. However, as of late I can't help but feel like there is something else. SOmething spiritual to them. I used to have a reoccurring dream of two dimensions. I would be in one world but could look up and see another world almost in a giant bubble or something. I could pass between these dimensions and live in either world but I would have to leave one of them behind. Each had different people, things lifestyles etc.

Then I stopped having those dreams and ever since my dreams are flooded with water. No matter what I dream (they are always different) there is always water waist high in them. Its not frightening or threatening in anyway, but more of a bother. I am always trying to go along with my life, but the water will slow me down. yet no one else seems to notice it but me.

About four days ago I had a very strange, powerful, vivid dream and I feel like it carries a meaning which I know in my heart but still don't want to accept or acknowledge. Here is my dream and if you feel like you would like to interpret your ideas.. go ahead.

I don't remember the whole entirety but here is the main ..idea i guess

Im in a random building with familiar people from my life. Nothing seems really different accept the flood that surrounds everything, but no one but me seems to notice. Its calm for the most part and a dark blue color. Also I am clutching a tiny Mixed baby in my arms. I have no idea why, who she is or anything but I feel like I need to hold her. I carry her around while she sleeps and seem to go about my day. Then I stop and look down at her. She has awoken and has opened her eyes, staring at me. She is so beautiful. Suddenly though I look away and when I look back the baby is gone and in my hands instead is a snake. The snake starts to bite at my hands and tighten its body around my limbs. I fight the snake but I refuse to let it go. Though it is hurting me, I feel like I must hold on to it. Then Tavio ( The pastor of my church ) shows up and he sees the snake hurting me. He tells me that I must get rid of the snake but I still refuse. I go on awhile battling this snake while Tavio continues to tell me to kill the snake. Finally he shows me Dogs outside tied up to the side of a building. I throw the snake to them and they bang it and tear it apart. The water flows faster and is a brown color now. I have a strange feeling of sadness and relief all at the same time. However I am most happy about getting the snake out of my life.

please watch this video!

2009-02-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

time to learn

2009-02-22T14:44:00.001-08:00

I wish you would learn from my mistakes.

Trust me, you don't want to live this way.

you deserve better.

i see you there..

2009-02-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

checking out my sugar lumps.

=]

2009-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Jake,

you are my bestest friend in the world. sometimes it frustrates me that i never have as much fun when you aren't with me, but im glad I have someone like you in my life. Who likes to spend just as much time wit me as i do with you. Who stays up late with me even when you are tired. Who gets up to get me water, even after you get comfortable. : ) Who takes the baby in the mornings when i want to sleep in a little longer. Who tells me exactly what I am thinking in my head that I want you to tell me, as if you can read my thoughts on my forehead...

I know that we get into those stupid arguments now and then and that I can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.. but at the end of the day despite whats been said or done, you always kiss me goodnight.

I love you more than I could ever express.

love,

chels

Dear Tara

2009-01-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

Your latest post caused me to think about my life, about the way I am. Whether you were talking to me at all in there or not, I am the person you described. I would be the typical person who's response would be, " I am just an introvert with trust issues". I sit back sometimes and wonder why I don't have deep relationships anymore other than my husband and realize I haven't had one for years. I have to ask myself why not??

Sometimes I think that I have hidden myself away for so long, letting no one else really truly know me, that I don't even know how to go about having that sort of relationship with anyone anymore. I feel sorry for anyone who has ever tried to be my friend. I feel like people might think im not interested when really Im dying for their friendship.

I've spent so long ignoring the fact, refusing to talk about it because of the embarrassment of having to admit to myself and others, that I don't have any REAL friends.

There is probably two or three people I have close to being that, but not quite and I know its my fault. Why am I so intimidated by friendship if I desire it so much? How do I go about changing?

I used to blame it all on my phone phobia's...but now I know its more than that. I have a bigger fear deep down somewhere, and I don't know how to break through that. How long will I sit and wait for people to pursue my friendship? Thats not fair, and I shouldn't be so hurt when they don't come.

I just wish I could stop being so ashamed of myself.. ashamed of what I used to be and move on but somehow I can't. Sometimes I think I will always feel that I am not good enough for a deep friendship with good people.

I wish I could stop worrying constantly if I am going to scare people away and be comfortable believing that someone (other than Jake) could find something worth liking in me, despite everything else, but the fear is always there.

pics

2009-01-18T09:33:00.001-08:00

maddi trying a strawberry
the wonderful free birthday dessert i could not have
My first legal beverage....
My sister and I.....are both pale
I love this picture of them
We FInally Caught her^

sorry

2009-01-18T09:29:00.001-08:00

Im really bad at taking pictures... I have always been jealous of all the pictures other people have of their lives as they grow up but I have hardly had any. THose I have had end up getting lost it seems. The problem was that I could never afford a camera before. Now I have a camera and Im so used to not ever taking photos that I still don't use it when I should. I am so mad because I had an amazing time in Nashville, but I have no evidence that I was even there because I didn't take ONE SINGLE picture..

ugh.

21

2009-01-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Nashville......Tomorrow:)

broken

2009-01-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

Dear mom and dad...

I wish you still loved each other.

: (

2008-12-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

0 acts of love

Yay

2008-12-29T17:01:00.000-08:00

I GOT MY SPINNING WHEEL!

Finally....

2008-12-21T20:46:00.001-08:00

sexy

Panera

2008-12-21T20:38:00.001-08:00

p.s. I made that hat : D

baddays

2008-12-19T14:17:00.000-08:00

I just want to stop fighting.

p.s. you're driving me CRAZY sometimes I just like to be left alone

bluuugghh

2008-12-18T11:42:00.001-08:00

I think I accidently found out what Jake got for me this year... : /

my apartment still isn't unpacked and my head is killing meeeeeeeee

on a brighter note, Maddi has discovered that she can make different noises and it is probably the cutest thing I have ever heard. people are so right when they say it goes by fast... watching her grow up is bitter sweet. Im so afraid for her to be a teenager. Don't want her to hate me....

Big Hands I know you're the one

2008-12-09T07:52:00.001-08:00

Celiac

2008-12-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Things have been good and bad lately

Bad:

- im poor

- I never get enough sleep

- My stomach hurts all the time

- Jake is always busy

- I might have celiac disease

- I might never get to eat mellow mushroom ever again

- Christmas is coming

Good:

- Maddi learned how to roll over

- Christmas is coming

- Diesel is finally a good dog

- Jake is taking me to Nashville for my birthday (for sure)

- I've almost finished knitting Jakes hat and its awesome

I have a video of Maddi I will be posting soon...

2008-11-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

I love when music reminds you of some other moment in your life.

or when it makes you want to just sit back.... and breathe deep.

This song does both for me: Passion Play- William Fitzsimmons

thanks

2008-11-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

for hanging out with me yesterday :)

Maddi just crapped in my hand...

flirt

2008-11-16T20:28:00.000-08:00

this is a video of maddi flirting with her favorite toy

SOrry

2008-11-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

Once again its been forever since I've written on here. Life is good.

I move into my new apartment next week and I am really excited. Maddi will finally have a nursery and i can't wait to decorate it. Jake also got some awesome paint for free from the condo's hes been painting downtown. I can't wait to get out of this cramped apartment, with torn out floor (thanks to diesel)... to finally have walk in closets, a laundry room, hardwood and carpet floors and a bedroom big enough for all our stuff!

Maddi is getting big so fast its scary and I feel like my life is speeding by. I just want to take every cute smile and coo and stick it in a jar or something, because someday Im really going to miss them.

So im sitting here at my kitchen table waiting for my milk to come in because I forgot to pump for work tomorrow... and on top of it, my pump isn't working so i have to Manually milk myself like a freakin cow. I feel like a dweeb, but i have to get it out somehow! The things you do for your children...

Back to work

2008-10-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well Im finally back to work. I don't really know why I'm saying finally, the days have flown by since Maddison was born.

I am really bummed because she smiles now and coo's but my dad lost my camera charger and so I feel like Im running out of time to capture these moments. She's already so much bigger than when she was born and it makes me sad that I can hardly remember what it was like to hold her when she was that small.

Being a mom is great, but SOOO much harder than I thought it would be. Though I like who its making me become. I am much more selfless than I ever was in my life, and not necessarily because I have to, but because I want to be that way. I want to give myself to my family and it feels great. (now at least, im sure one day I will feel unappreciated )

Okay... So Maddi was really small when she was born just a little over 6 pounds.. she was so tiny!! Well now she's two months and 11 pounds. Shes also pretty tall I can't remember it right now but I know she is in the 95th percentile for her age. ANYWHO... People keep telling me how big she is.. I know I shouldn't take it personal but I totally do for some reason. Yeah so shes got lots of rolls and her arms kinda look like popeye, but shes a baby! There are supposed to be chubby. I just feel like everyone thinks i over feed her or something.

Oh well what can I do.

whats been up?

2008-09-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have no real good excuse for not posting anything lately except for the fact that I am lazy and have let my nails grow so long that it makes it hard to type...

However today I feel like sharing my thoughts, though they probably aren't that interesting.

I can't even describe the way I feel lately... everything is so surreal. I am technically a mom, and though I take care of Maddy like a Mom should... I still don't FEEL like a mom. I suppose I just haven't gotten used to the word yet. I probably won't until its repeated daily in attempts of getting my attention, or when I stick my first mothers day fingerpaint/macaroni card on the fridge. Im still afraid of being a mom. I feel so much pressure. I don't want to screw my children up and I NEVER want to drive a mini van. I guess its just hard for me to imagine doing all the things my mother does/did for me. I don't want to have to worry about cleaning up, making dinner, going to parent teacher meetings, cleaning up puke, wiping poopy butts, changing peed on sheets in the middle of the night... However I never wanted to push a person out of my vagina or wake up every two- three hours either, but I do it.. and I somehow its okay. I guess love changes you. Love must be what powers mom's to do the things they never thought they could see themselves doing.

Another reason being a mom terrifies me is because having a child.. is like having your heart out in the open running around. I find my self so worrisome over her, afraid of how I will deal with these fears as she grows up and I can't completely protect her.

Thats the bad part about loving someone, not just your children. I think I knew I truly loved Jake with all my heart when i thought about him being gone. The thought of something happening to him filled me with such a sense of fear and dread that I had to pray right away that nothing would happen and that God would calm me down inside. I remember me or my friends saying things like.. "I don't know what I would do without him." or whatever, when referring to Bf's but this is totally different than that. This is genuinely not knowing what you would possibly do without this person.. being able to cry right then and there at the mere thought.

Having a little sister has already given me a glimpse of how my heart is going to ache with worry and fear when my daughter is a teen...

She has told me about things she is doing that scare me. They scare me because I was there and I know what can happen or what WILL happen and I don't want those things for her. I am scared thinking about her friends learning how to drive and how she will be off riding around with immature kids and could possibly be in a car crash..... I feel bad for how I must have made my parents worry and im really afraid of karma biting me in the ass. hah

Anyways...on a lesser deep moment I have to be honest about something else.......

I really want to have sex with Jake.... but I can't because of this damn 6 week after having a baby crap. It really sucks, I have felt fine for weeks but they tell you not to so im waiting...

I almost just said hell with it and did it anyways, but then i got scared thinking that Bridget (mr doctor) would find out from the exam. I don't know what I expect she would do if she could tell... its not like she would slap me in the face or ground me or something, but I still find myself too afraid to try. hah

It just sucks.. Jake and I used to do "it" every single day until I got pregnant and hormones started messing with me.. now that im not pregnant again Im back to my old sex addicted self

(I'm married, I can be a nymph if I want! )

Whats worse is I've been reading these books my mom gave me and they are all pretty steamy which is totally not helping!!!!

ahhhhggg

the end

why Obama is a bad choice...

2008-09-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE COMPARISON TALKING POINTS

ISSUE
JOHN McCAIN
BARAK OBAMA
Favors new drilling offshore US
Yes
No
Will appoint judges who interpret the law not make it
Yes
No

Served in the US Armed Forces
Yes
No
Amount of time served in the US Senate
22 YEARS
173 DAYS
Will institute a socialized national health care plan
No
Yes
Supports abortion throughout the pregnancy
No
Yes
Would pull troops out of Iraqimmediately
No
Yes
Supports gun ownership rights
Yes
No
Supports homosexual marriage
No
Yes (but gives different answers depending on audience)
Proposed programs will mean a huge tax increase
No
Yes
Voted against making English the official language
No
Yes
Voted to give Social Security benefits to illegals
No
Yes
CAPITAL GAINS TAX
MCCAIN
0% on home sales up to $500,000 per home (couples). McCain does not propose any change in existing home sales income tax.
OBAMA
28% on profit from ALL home sales. (How does this affect you? If you sell your home and make a profit, you will pay 28% of your gain on taxes. If you are heading toward retirement and would like to down-size your home or move into a retirement community, 28% of the money you make from your home will go to taxes. This proposal will adversely affect the elderly who are counting on the income from their homes as part of their retirement income.)
DIVIDEND TAX
MCCAIN
15% (no change)
OBAMA
39.6% - (How will this affect you? If you have any money invested in stock market, IRA, mutual funds, college funds, life insurance, retirement accounts, or anything that pays or reinvests dividends, you will now be paying nearly 40% of the money earned on taxes if Obama becomes president. The experts predict that ‘Higher tax rates on dividends and capital gains would crash the stock market, yet do absolutely nothing to cut the deficit.’)
INCOME TAX
MCCAIN

(no changes)
Single making 30K – tax $4,500
Single making 50K – tax $12,500
Single making 75K – tax $18,750
Married making 60K- tax $9,000
Married making 75K – tax $18,750
Married making 125K – tax $31,250
OBAMA (reversion to pre-Bush tax cuts)
Single making 30K – tax $8,400
Single making 50K – tax $14,000
Single making 75K – tax $23,250
Married making 60K – tax $16,800
Married making 75K – tax $21,000
Married making 125K - tax $38,750
Under Obama, your taxes could almost double!
INHERITANCE TAX
MCCAIN
- 0% (No change, Bush repealed this tax)
OBAMA
Restore the inheritance tax

Many families have lost businesses, farms, ranches, and homes that have been in their families for generations because they could not afford the inheritance tax. Those willing their assets to loved ones will only lose them to these taxes.
NEW TAXES PROPOSED BY OBAMA
New government taxes proposed on homes that are more than 2400 square feet. New gasoline taxes (as if gas weren't high enough already) New taxes on natural resources consumption (heating gas, water, electricity) New taxes on retirement accounts, and last but not least....New taxes to pay for socialized medicine so we can receive the same level of medical care as other third-world countries!!!

Mommy?

2008-08-22T09:08:00.001-07:00

I knew I would love her, but the idea I had of what that love would be like, is nothing like how I feel for her.

There is no way I can explain what it is like to stare at her and think to myself, "I made this."

My dad is amazing...

2008-08-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

By the way this is a secret still... Jake doesn't know, and will crap his pants when he finds out...

My dad bought four front row and center tickets to see Ryan Adams and the Cardinals today!!

We saw him last year and it was an AMAZING show.. I can't wait to see him again, and this time up close.

i still can't believe that my dad actually bought these tickets.. My mom is going to kill him when she finds out how much it was.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL JAKE

the only bad part.. is I will have a 4 week old baby at the time, and I don't know how I will feel about leaving him or her for a while..... : /

I guess Ill follow the trend..

2008-08-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

I have multiple love languages!

My Detailed Results:
Acts of Service:	8
Quality Time:	8
Words of Affirmation:	8
Physical Touch:	6
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

Gas!

2008-08-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

So funny story.... (to me anyways)

Saturday after everyone had left from my shower I was laying down on the couch eating chips and salsa. A few minutes later I get this crazy intense pain cramping and pressure. For some reason I just assumed that it was gas or something and was stuck or something. It would come every few minutes and last a couple minutes. During the time it was there I couldn't talk or have anyone talk to me. I felt like I had to go the bathroom but I didn't... The only thing that helped was getting on my hands and knees with my mom rubbing my lower back.

Anyways, this lasted for maybe 30-45 minutes and so I just assumed the salsa had upset my stomach really bad or something.

WELL.... I go to my bible study last night and my OB is in my group. I tell her and Mandy about this horrible gas I experienced and they both laughed at me. Apparently those were contractions and not gas at all...

The good news is my OB says that since I am already dilating and having intense contractions right away, I will most likely have a shorter labor (my chances are higher anyways..no promises) so thats awesome. Also, its nice to know what to expect now so I can be a little more ready for it all. However, Im getting really nervous. That wasn't exactly a piece of cake by any means and it was only like 45 minutes... how on earth am I going to make it like that for hours??? AHH

Pray for me please!

Smiles

2008-08-04T07:49:00.001-07:00

This weekend was really nice. It went by WAY too fast.

I have a lot more photos I wanted to put up from the shower, but they are all on my Dad's computer so... sorry you all will just have to wait!

In other news... The day of my shower is officially the last day I think I will be able to wear my wedding rings for the remainder of the pregnancy. It appears that I am at the awesome water retention stage....

P.S.

Dear baby,

Im ready for you to come out now : D.......

Crafts

2008-07-30T06:55:00.001-07:00

Is it lame that I want to be in a knitting group/class?? Perhaps crochet? I know how to do it... just not well and I want others to do it with me.

P.s.

Thanks for hanging out with me Megan and Tara.

can't wait for the snow cones, cotton candy, and face paint.

Jake said we were queer, but I think we are awesome.

ranting..

2008-07-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I can blame it on hormones or if its just normal to feel this way.. but I find myself becoming annoyingly jealous of strange things..

for example:

I find that when I hear stories of Jakes past and they happen to involve a girl he was with in some way or another, I find myself feeling jealous and I HATE that feeling. Why am I going to feel jealous about something like that? I mean its not like he knew me back then.. and its not like I don't have my own share of past lovers or friends that are male. I feel lame and I hate it. I just hate the way it feels to be jealous. i hate knowing that Im not the only girl thats been in his life, even though hes not the only male thats been in mine.

I find myself getting jealous of the time my mom will be spending with my baby while I am working. I hate how she tells me which things I get to have for the baby and which things are hers...(which seems like all the good stuff!) I hate that i have to work still. I don't want my baby to love her more than me.. i know that sounds so stupid, but i dunno.

I get jealous when my friends hangout with each other without me. This is super lame as well I know. It still sucks.

This is REALLY stupid... I am jealous that my sister is treated differently than I was at her age. Curfew wise, discipline wise, spoiled wise... i HATE it I feel like im a little girl when it upsets me. I know its foolish. however somehow I can't help but feel this way.

Im jealous of people who can do things I can't do like its nothing.

Im jealous of people with awesome hair and faces that look good with any cut...

Also my lack of a baby's room is depressing me lately. I just don't have anywhere to put all the babies stuff and its making me sad. I can't decorate anything and my apartment is cluttered and always feels dirty to me.. I feel like a shitty mom who can't provide for her child.

Sorry about the Emo-ness

it happens

CRAMPS!

2008-07-24T06:44:00.001-07:00

I went to the doctor yesterday...so i think i will fill everyone in with the latest. ( by the way I keep smelling shaving cream and I can't figure out where its coming from ) ANY WHO

I am 35 weeks and couple days, measuring 35 1/2

The babies heartbeat is in the 130's (which according to my mom means its a boy)

My doctor has estimated that the baby as of now, weighs about 3 1/2- 4 pounds ( which my mother thinks is WAY to small but my doctor didn't seem worried about it)

AND NOW FOR THE BIGGEST NEWS [[Drum roll please]]

I am 1 centimeter dilated and 25% effaced. I don't exactly know what this means, but it means something! WOOT

P.s. I have eaten at Maggiano's two days in a row now and its been great! : P

One year ago today...

2008-07-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

I married a freakin amazing man.

I can't believe how fast time goes by.

I feel like it was only last month that i drove to kokomo Indiana at 7pm to meet Jake for the first time. I still remember how extremely tired I was at 4 in the morning sitting with him at steak N shake but not wanting to leave... how i thought about him the whole drive back home that night.

It feels like just last week I was walking down the aisle to the beatles "here, there and everywhere." watching my dad cry for one of the few times in my life.

It feels like just a few days ago, the mexican guy walked into our hotel room while we were gettin it on on our wedding night...

It feels like just yesterday Jake peed all over me in the drunk attempt to pee on my arm after I was stung by a jellyfish on our honeymoon...

But it wasn't just yesterday or last week or month... it was a whole freakin year ago already. I can honestly say that I have never regretted marrying him for one second. Though I was nervous about getting married so young, I know that it was the best decision in my life.

I truly believe that Jake is God's way of showing me how much he loves me. When I think about Jake, I can hear God saying "Look at how well I know your soul."

There is no one in the entire world that could possibly be a better fit for me and I really mean that. Even the places where we are so different, work out to be so perfect together, so complimentary to each other.

He doesn't seem to see the faults I see in myself, but love them.

He sets me free when Im feeling trapped.

He builds me up when I feel im falling down.

He holds me close when i feel im straying away.

And through everything that we do, everything that we go through, everything I say or don't say, he never stops loving me.

He is my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my husband, the father of my child and a little piece of Gods love for me.

I am so blessed.

CLEAN APARTMENT!

2008-07-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

So last night my mother agreed to come over and help me arrange my apartment so that I might be able to fit a bassinet and Changing table in my bedroom... and to help me clean because its been hard lately.

I must say the apartment looks great but who knows how long it will stay that way. I have the MESSIEST husband in the whole entire world... seriously, but I love him anyways. I spent hours going through baby clothes and folding them into piles. i cannot wait until this baby is born. Oh and whats even better is while going through the clothes I found another pair of teeny tiny little newborn socks like the blue puppy dog ones I had already.. This pair is white and rolls over at the top to make it a little fluffy and has these cute little monkeys with bananas on them.

My baby shower is coming up and I cannot wait : ) Everybody better come okay? ok.

Last night I had another strange dream. I was supposed to marry a women. Okay, now I know it sounds very lesbian but I assure you it wasn't. hah I had to or something, it was like pre arranged or something weird and I wasn't attracted to her, we were friends. all i remember about her was curly reddish brown hair. But in the dream I was really good friends with Jake and realized the night before the wedding to this woman that I was in love with Jake and so I told him. Then he looked at me and said it couldn't happen because...... and then my alarm went off.

I swear I have the strangest dreams in the planet.

slumber party

2008-07-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of cleaning robots....

I could use one of those

Panic

2008-07-16T10:51:00.000-07:00

Jake turns 24 this sunday....

Tuesday is our one year anniversary. Never would have thought I would be spending it preggo..... I wonder what we are going to do?

Body Snatchers...

2008-07-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

So i've been feeling.. not myself lately.

I know its the hormones. it has to be, and I really don't like it.

I hate being moody, and never really thought of myself as a moody person before and liked that about me. However things have changed. It seems as though (usually around 6 pm) I am taken over by these nasty hormone body snatchers, which turn me into an angry, jealous, irritable person. Its not me. I know when I am getting that way too, and when Im being mean or whatever, yet it seems that there is nothing I can do about it. Jake hates it. I don't blame him, but I wish he cut me a little more slack. Its just when I get like this.. the last thing I want to do is talk about the way im acting.. or really talk in general.. however Jake is always trying to do otherwise. I feel bad because Jake will usually end our angry hormonal fight with "I want my wife back." or "what happened to the sweet woman I married." and of course i usually respond with "I killed her." or something along those lines. Who am I????

I also find that i want to fight people. Even for no reason at all. Like the person who refused to go faster than 25 mph last night.. I wanted to ram them off the road, punch through their window, pull them out of there car and punch them in their stupid punchable face. What??!!

I daydream about being at a bar and some stupid female coming up to my man and makin the moves, so i am forced to challenge her to duel. Of course in reality if this ever happened.. im sure Jake would never let me go through with it (because that is just Jakes personality) however in the daydream of mine, he just stands back and watches me completely dominate.

Now Im not going to lie. I've day dreamed about fighting and kicking ass many a time prior to getting knocked up, however it seems more prevalent now.

I also find that I am more jealous now than ever in my life. I get jealous when my friends hang out without me, or when Jake goes and hangs out with people which never would bother me before. I suppose its because I feel like I can't do anything, so no one wants to hang out with me. I can't go to the bars or clubs or whatever because Im knocked up and under aged so what fun am I right?

So jake is going to Crew fest with Sean hadden and of course I am upset again? Why this is selfish of me I know... it must be because I cannot go. Jake is taking my sister and her friends with my father to warped tour and once again i am upset. Why? because preggo can't come along.

who is this jealous angry person?? I don't know you.. get out of my body. Damn hormones.. go pick on someone else..

I just want to ask God why? Why?? Why did you make pregnant women so hormonal in the end??? To test how much our husbands REALLy love us "good times and bad??" I mean isn't being hot all the time, cramping, getting stuck in couches, peeing constantly, feeling like a beached whale, swollen feet, head ache, tiredness, and fat ass enough? Why doesn't the bible explain this more. Oh yeah Eve's punishment right?? Well you know what Eve... You suck.

Last Night..

2008-07-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

I had a dream about the end of the world. Some of it I was in and a lot of it I was just watching I guess. Anyways, there is a lot to it that I'm sure I'm forgetting but I do want to tell you all about it because it was very strange... and a little disturbing.

It started off with me watching the majority of it...

People were no longer allowed to have anything to do with God. Any sort of temple, church or whatever were destroyed. Bibles were burned and you were killed just for saying the word "God". The man who did all this seemed to want absolute control. I was under the impression that this man wanted to be God himself. There was a lot of fighting going on it seemed. Many buildings and homes were being burned and destroyed. People of faith were killed publicly in all sorts of different ways.

Then there was the rain. It rained so much. sometimes it would flood really bad and kill lots of people and animals. The vegetation around started dying out from all the rain. There was a food shortage due to the lack of vegetation anywhere and the depletion of livestock. There were some fish and creatures of the water, but they were dangerous to eat because the water had also brought a lot of diseases. People then started dying everywhere from either starvation or some sort of nasty disease. Some people were even resorting to cannibalism.

In the dream, it seemed I was shown all these things so I would understand what was going on before I was thrown into it all. There are some pieces missing but what I remember the most was wandering around.

The city or town that I was in was almost completely destroyed. All the trees were dead. Cars were abandoned everywhere and the buildings were all crumbling away. It seemed I was looking for someone, my family I think but i don't remember. There were people around but they most stayed inside. The people I could see were deformed from either the effects of the war, or because they had gotten one of the many diseases. They were really scary and would stare at me in the shadows as I went by, some following me. I searched and searched for what seemed like hours and it appeared most people were gone, and those who were alive were crazy or dying. Then there was a little girl in rags playing around a building. I walked past her and she ran over to me. "I bet you have never seen a mango before!" she said " I have one you know. Do you want a mango??" She asked me, but before I could say anything she yelled at a smaller girl who was playing in the shadows to go get the mangos. Then the smaller girl came out holding a bag of grapefruits, only they were extremely rotten and moldy, most of them were blue-green and fuzzy, but there was one on top that still had some yellow. The first girl reached in the bag and pulled out the yellowish one and held it out to me. The rags she was wearing covered most of her body but when she held out the fruit I could see that part of her arm and hand was covered in open wounds. Some of the skin was falling off and there were black wart looking things around her fingers. They wanted me to stay with them but I was scared suddenly and ran off, so they started throwing rocks at me as i ran.

Then my alarm went off.

Lipstick

2008-07-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have found my new favorite addiction. sharp cheddar cheese and cream cheese and chive wheat thins. WoW.

I went to the the doctor yesterday. I was really disappointed for some reason. I guess I was hoping that the symptoms I have been feeling ( cramping, nausea, BH contractions and the increased pressure on my bladder ) were early signs of labor. However they appear to be normal : '( I don't want to wait until august for this baby to come. I want it out now dammit!

I've been a little depressed lately. I have been wanting to go out and get some new craft supplies but I am no longer allowed to do so. For those who don't know, where some people have obsessions with purchasing shoes or something.. I have with crafts. I LOVE buying crafts and never finishing projects. Usually its because I get frustrated that what Im making isn't coming out perfect.. other times Its just my ADD that attracts me to some other new craft instead.

Anyways.. Now that I am married, I can no longer REALLY spend money on whatever I want without first talking about it. ( Im sure this wouldn't be an issue if we weren't so broke) Jake used to let me get the craft I wanted until he finally caught on. Apparently he feels the tubs filled with yarn, knitting and crochet needles, THOUSANDS of beads of all types, colored pencils, and more should be enough for any sort of craft craving I have. Also the fact that I have yet to use my new sewing machine I begged for for christmas hasn't really helped : ( My defense for that however is... How am i supposed to use my sewing machine if you won't let me get any fabric??!! ahh ha!

::sigh::

Maybe i should finally use those books for making baby booties and blankets with crochet... like I had originally planned on doing 4 months ago. By the time I finish that project my child will probably be graduating from high school.

Oh well. Maybe I just need someone to come over and do crafts with me that I already have??

hmmm

Last night

2008-07-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I had a little baby boy and he had a HUGE baby penis!! Weird.

Thanks for coming over to my parents Tara. Sorry we couldn't watch intervention. My dad was being a BAD FRIEND.

SYTYCD?

2008-07-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

I am in love with this show. Probably because I wish I could do what these people do sooo bad. I just wish i could start over and start dancing when I was like 2 or something so I could be amazing like this.

Mia Michaels is the most amazing Choreographer in my opinion. Her dances are like artwork... and she always tells some sort of story, and they NEVER lack in feeling. When I see them I can't look away and I wish so badly that I could be the one dancing them. I have no idea how she comes up with these amazing dances all the time... Shes amazing.

Im going to post both of her videos because I just thought they were awesome and luckily some of the better couples performed them. nvmd.. i can only find one : (

Okay

2008-06-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Jake - Matt Carter

Jake - Me

me - my sister(not as excited as me apparently)

Jake - my dad - Matt Carter

Its been a while since i've written. im sure you all missed me : P

Anyways its monday morning... and it feels like Monday morning. I had maybe two hours of sleep last night. I just couldn't get comfortable at all, and on top of it.. my husband wouldn't stop hogging the bed. But oh well. What can I do.

I had this really cool dream that I found this awesome clothing store. I wish it was real, because the clothes were amazing.. its funny though, because even in my dream I couldn't afford any of it : (

sigh...

2008-06-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well, Jake and I spent last weekend with his family up north. It was really nice to see them again. It makes me sad sometimes that we hardly get to see them due to the long drive, but you have to do what you have to do.

We spent all saturday at his grandparents lake. I watched Jake ride around on the knee board and tube with envy and tried my best to get some sort of tan with no avail. For some reason I didn't even bother with getting in the water until about the last 40 minutes we were there and once I was in on the raft I didn't want to leave! Which made it a real bummer when we had to get out :(

On Sunday John David played at church and when he sang holy surrender.. i think thats what its called... I balled like a baby! I didn't even make it to the second verse before i felt myself choke up and tears running down my face. I was just over taken. I love that but at the same time I don't because I feel goofy, even though I shouldn't care what people think.

The funny thing though was Im listening to this song, crying, arms raised in praise to the lord and THEN... Someone in front of me farted. And I don't mean like a little fart, i mean like someone really needs to go the bathroom fart! I just had to laugh to myself that something like that would happen and I still think it was God making a haha. I have no doubt that God has a sense of humor, and a good one at that. After the song ended Jake and I just had to burst out laughing because Jake also had that moment I had, feeling Gods overwhelming presence before turning green from someone's gas. What a nice trip it was. It went by too fast.

Friday

2008-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Reasons why work has been great so far:

- Dr pepper

- Free Jimmy Johns

- Fusball

- Milk Duds

- Einstein Bagels

- Muse Live in London DVD on the bigscreen

- Friday

- air conditioning

- Green grass backgrounds

- baby butt

- ball chairs

- Smiles

Somedays I just really love my job.. I don't even care that its raining.

Its so cute...

2008-06-13T07:51:00.001-07:00

When you get the hiccups. I feel like I know you a little better. I can just imagine your cute little face (even though i dreamt the other night it was deformed : /... ) I also like how you seem to enjoy pushing your butt up into my ribcage, it hurts but its fun to grab and poke and watch you squirm away. I tried the ring test the other day to see if you were a girl or a boy, but it kinda went back and forth and in circles so I dunno. Mom says you are a hermaphrodite but I hope not, I think you just really want to surprise everyone!

I went to Einstein bagels with my Dad this morning and a women asked how far a long I was. I told her and then she said I was really small and looked at me like I was lying to her. She asked what you were and I said it was a surprise and then my dad said " we waited for both our kids and found it much more exciting " Then the Lady said... "so you already have two kids??" ( to me )

GROSSSSSS she thought my dad was your daddy! ewww I had a feeling people probably thought that when they see me and dad out all the time but Jake said i was paranoid. now I know. I think i should wear a sign.

P.S. I love you, but Im afraid of what you are going to do the Mrs. later!! Ahh!

WHat?

2008-06-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

I found this interesting...

2008-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

I was right....

2008-06-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

My mom is pissed at me. I couldn't believe her the other day, I was so mad...

She brought it up by saying "Did you even think to ask Jake before you asked Mandy to be there??" I was like.. umm yeah and he doesn't care. and she was like "well i bet it probably really bothers him and he just doesn't want to say anything." Im like.. No mom, he doesn't care. He understands that I am going to be going through a lot and wants me to do what I think is best. I was like.. I think its bothering you not him. Then she was like "I just think its bullshit" I couldn't believe it. I was like, how is it bull shit that I want to have someone there to help me know what to do??? and shes like... "you are so selfish all the time. This was important to me and you made it all shit now" Im like.. wtf??? This isn't about YOU. I am the one who has to push a damn human being out of me and you are calling me selfish because I want someone to help me?? " Every woman that would be around has had a baby and you could just use the doctor for help" Im like no mom, you don't get it the doctor doesn't coach you.. they do what they have to do and thats it. And no one in our whole family whos still alive has ever given birth naturally and its completely different.

Anyways... I will stop reciting all that went on but it went on for a while and involved a lot of screaming. I was soo mad at her, I can't even explain it. Then she asked me why the hell I was giving birth naturally anyways.

I mean maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that it should be my decision what I do. I want to feel comfortable when its time to do this, and have someone there who has been through it. my doctor has never even given birth natural.. I just think its messed up that my mother has made this somehow all about her. She drives me out of my mind sometimes, trying to rule my whole damn life. This totally sucks now, because I don't want to go through labor and have to worry about hurting my moms feelings because Im taking away from HER special day. I wish she would act like she actually cared what I thought about something for one damn moment. If I don't listen to her and do what she thinks needs to happen, then Im a selfish bitch. Im sick of her guilt trips. Im sick of her making me feel like crap. Sometimes I just want to move to another state again so I can make my own decisions for once without her breathing down my neck, barking orders about this and that. I can't take it anymore.

Am I wrong to feel this way???

all alone!

2008-06-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well work today is a little different than usual. I am completely alone! Well... the dude is here fixing the air conditioning, but other than that.. NOBODY This never happens. However most of the guys went to some big meeting that won't be over until the end of the day, Simo is working from home, and Casey is in disney world.

I am totally taking advantage of this opportunity to play games online all day. I have even been thinking about playing some pool!

The storms were pretty crazy last night, but they didn't scare me as much as they should have I suppose. Jake was all into it, like watching the weather and waking up in the night to check again.. but I wasn't nervous at all. I love storms and lightning so I had a great nights sleep just listening to it pour down. It made me think back to camp in like eight grade when I was put in a cabin with two girls from Kansas. One night it started storming and I loved it! It was so relaxing, and I loved how loud you could hear it through the cabin walls. However, the two girls from Kansas were freaking out the whole night, crying and huddled in a ball. I asked them why they were so afraid and they told me that any time it thunderstorms there is almost always a tornado. I guess maybe thats why thunderstorms don't scare me at all... because I have never been in a really bad one that ripped apart my home. Once in third grade there was one really close and we had to sit in the boys stinky bathroom for three hours, but thats pretty much it. I think it frustrated Jake a little that I didn't really care, but hey, whats the point of worrying anyways? If a tornado came while we were at our second floor apartment, Im pretty sure we would be screwed anyways. Hiding in the bathtub probably wouldn't make that big of a difference.

Anyways... pregnancy update. I now have heartburn all the time. No matter what I eat, and its a lot more intense than before. The baby always sits a weird way which causes a hard bump to kinda stick out on one side of my belly button. I like to poke it and try to figure out what it is and I think i've come to the conclusion that its a butt check, but who knows, im probably poking my pore child in the face!

Mandy has offered to be my birthing Coach which kinda made my mom mad I think. She didn't openly say she was offended or anything, but I could tell she was by how her mood suddenly changed. Its just that no one in my family (including my mom) has ever delivered a baby natural so theres no way she could help coach me through the pain. I love my mom to death, but sometimes shes just too much.. so im afraid I might even have to kick her out of the room at one point! But i guess we will just see.

I hate that nobody seems to think that I can deliver naturally, but all the women who seem to think I can't have never given birth natural before themselves. Its like they act like it isn't possible or something, even though women did it for thousands of years. I started out wanting to give birth natural simply because it was the birth method with the least amount of risk for the baby. Now I want to do it even more just to prove everyone wrong! hah Im not really that nervous for the contractions its the crowning that is the scariest for me, because its the most painful part. The good news is that at that point, only a couple more pushes and your done. Im ready, bring it on!

Well i guess its back to "work" now...

uh huh

2008-06-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well have come to bring the sword
Quivering lips, do I blow the horn
To everything we could be and more
If I stand and lock or open the door
Is that wind blowing through the tops of trees?
Are the cars humming through the street?
The moment passes right through me
And the past is the only thing I see.

I wrestle with God all night long in my head,
And as hard as I try I cant forget what Jesus said.
Im grinding my teeth all night long in my head,
And my nerves are shattered again and again and again.

Sometimes at night on dark highways
I pull the car over and listen for trains
With my hair blown out the window pane
I raise my voice, I scream and say;
".. I struggle with all the energy
That is powerfully inspired within me
With this I toil, for this I breathe,

for this i stomp my feet and sing

shwo shweepy

2008-06-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Im pretty much falling asleep at my desk right now as i type this...

Im so bored.

The house Jake and I really wanted sold to another person last week. Im kinda sad. I really liked it and considering we can't get a mortgage because Jake is self employed ( recently ) it was probably our only option. Unless something else like that comes around here in the next month.

Im starting to think that we might be stuck in our small ass one bedroom apartment when the baby comes. Its going to be so crowded considering not only would it be Jake, me and the baby, but also Diesel our hyper active, three legged dog. We already feel cramped so I have no idea how its going to be. We could get a two bedroom in july that would help a lot, and we could actually have a baby's room. But the rent would be so much more. Almost 800 dollars which is so freakin much. I know we could do it, because thats about how much we would probably be paying for that house, but it would be tight and I hate throwing that much money away a month. Plus we have to pay 200 dollars extra to switch.

I have a horrible case of nesting fever.. I am dying to put together something for the baby but it doesn't look like im going to get to.

I guess I shouldn't be so negative. I think its the hormones. I should just turn it over to God and let him do whats best for us.. However easier said than done sometimes.

I really want a caesar salad from Noodles and Company.

Compulsion

2008-05-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

I just got finished writing the latest entry for "my story" I kinda wish that it read the other way... like my latest entry at the bottom ya know? However I don't know if you can change that, and if so i have no idea how... but whatever. Hopefully those who read it, will read it in the correct order, otherwise they will be really confused.

Anyways, I finished writing the latest one "The Change". I didn't realize how much I had pushed those feelings away from that day, and i had no idea the impact the words would have on me now. Even when I told some part of my story, I never went into such detail so now that its all there, it brings back everything. I suddenly am afraid to continue because of this but I know I have to. If not for someone else, for me. I just have the overwhelming sense of shame drilled deep to my bones again and Im finding the feeling hard to shake. I kinda hate how long I know this is going to take. Its like I want to skip this section and get to the next phase because this is the part I hated the most while I was there.

I had another weird dream last night.

Everything was in water.. but not completely. The buildings were only the skeletal beams and they were huge and in all different shapes and sizes. There was no where to go except on the beams, which were in the water that seemed to be getting higher and higher. In fact, we must have been in the ocean because of the way the water rocked back and forth.

Jake was there but then he wasn't.

I kept losing him and it seemed he was angry with me. I was scared because deep water freaks me out, but I wanted to find him so I climbed the large beams in a desperate search.

Every now and then I would see familiar faces, but i don't remember anymore who they were. They would just be standing there, staring off into the distance, or just walk past me.

Then suddenly I went into labor and it was hard to move, but I could see Jake now.

He was standing at the end of a long road of beams. They were put together like boxes spaced slightly apart from each other. I started going after him but the waves were getting high and strong and I found it hard to keep a grip on the thick beams. Also the pains were getting worse and i had to basically crawl to get to him. I finally made it to him but he refused to look at me and then I woke up.

It makes no sense to me. We didn't get in a fight about anything.. I have no idea what its supposed to mean, if anything.

Needles

2008-05-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today I have to get my blood drawn to see if I have gestational diabetes. My sister gave me some of her numbing cream so maybe that will help. It still sucks and Im still freaked out though. I think God made me afraid of needles near my veins so that I would never be an heroin addict during my drug phase.

Last night i had a dream that I thought I was going into labor, but when i looked down I saw that my baby was coming through my skin... like hatching out of my stomach. I told Jake to take me to the hospital but he told me it was normal and I was fine. I didn't know how to cut the cord so I freaked out again and it just dried up and fell off. I had a girl. Then I woke up to pee. When I fell back asleep I had another dream that I was in some fancy city outside of a bakery. I was about to walk in when I saw Tara standing on the side of the building. Then we both went in and got a giant piece of cheesecake and I told her about my baby dream. She said it was awesome and then I woke up.

I decided to play violin again.

P.s. I decided that I am going to start a new blog.. but its going to be about my time in florida. Lately I just feel like i need to write it down. Its like i'm afraid I will forget after a while... I feel like it needs to be out there. Like people should know. Its not going to be easy. Its going to take a while and its going to show some of you the old me that you never knew. Its my story.