Journal followup

Its been some time since I've posted so before I go into anything else I should follow up with the journal thing.

Sometime ago, I was struggling spiritually again. I felt tired, beat down, lifeless. I can not believe how depressed I was about this stupid journal! My prayer life, like I said, was lacking and therefore I had become so withdrawn from the Lord. It was in this time that I finally decided enough is enough. That I did not need a journal to pray and it was time to press back in.

Papa met me in this moment and recharged my life! My relationship with him has been made even stronger I feel, and its so good to be able to meet him anytime, anyplace... no matter if I have my journal to write everything out or not.

Before this time I was praying a lot that the Lord would help me find my journal, and I found myself getting frustrated that it didn't seem to be getting answered. Then on a totally random day, after I had starting praying to the Lord and pressing in I found my journal in a completely random place, while looking for something else.

That evening i was sitting in bed, reading through old entries, getting ready to write a new one when a realization came to me. The Lord still answered my prayer to find my journal, but he did not allow me to find it until i was ready to come to him without it. I couldn't help but smile at how great of a father he is, and how subtly he teaches us and grows us in every aspect of our lives. He is SOO involved with us and growing us in anyway he can, even by taking something away so small as a journal for a time in order to draw us closer to him. I absolutely love these moments, even if they are hard...where I can just sit back and reflect on how beautiful he is.

ahhhh :)

Journal

I lost my journal.

Some of you may not see this as a big deal, but to me it really really sucks.

Im not really good about praying.. out loud, or even in my head. Im also not any good at verbalizing my feelings. This is why I really really loved my journal. I could have my daily conversations with Papa and express how I was feeling. It was great and my favorite thing about writing out my prayers is looking back to what I prayed for and seeing how my life has changed since then, what prayers were answered and which ones I need to keep praying for.

You might say "well you could always get another journal".

Yes, you are right. I could totally get another journal but for some reason I just... can't.

Im so depressed about all the memories lost now with that journal. I don't want to think about someone finding it and reading everything and IM so saddened by the fact that I won't get to go back through the pages and see my heart in its purest form.

Im so depressed about it that I can't start over.

So now, Im stuck... my prayer life is lacking because that was how I prayed!

I feel like I lost my best friend. Like a huge piece of who I am is gone.

ugh. Im so dramatic

I have issues that Im not sure I will ever get over.

I haven't posted anything in a while, but it seems im not the only one who has seemed to died out somewhat from the blogging world.

Anyways whats new with me?

God has filled me with a trust I cannot explain in this time of lack. The old me would be freaking out about the situation we are in, yet I am so content. The other day we even received a check for a couple hundred dollars randomly!! They didn't even know we were hard for money from what I can tell. (and no it was not from my parents, or anyone related to me for that matter)God is showing me that his promise is true and it is so good to be able to trust in and rest in that promise!

My spirit has been filled with the HOLY spirit and i feel as if I am bursting at the seams. This last sunday was one of the best mornings of worship I have had in a while. I almost lost composure and burst out laughing off of the spiritual high I was feeling. I felt as if my fingers moved on their own as I played my violin, I felt as if I wasn't just playing notes at all but speaking something so personal and intimate with my Papa.

I am filled with a hunger to learn more about my papa, my jesus and the holy spirit. It is so exciting to know that there is soo much to learn about my creator that I could spend the rest of my life soaking in all I can and never even touch the surface!

I struggle with things of my past occasionally creeping up on me. I feel the sting every once and a while but it is gone almost as soon as it comes because I can rejoice in all that Papa has brought me from!

I was but an orphan-without hope, wondering, without identity, isolated, living for myself my- own terms, not belonging.

but you said " I will not leave you as orphans. I WILL come to you" -John 14:18

" fo you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship. and by him we cry, ABBA, father!" -Romans 8:15

by the spirit of adoption we have been given by God a destiny which is transformed into conformity of the image and likeness of God!

I am thankful for this. I am thankful for these hard times, for if jesus learned obedience from suffering before dying on the cross, then how can I not expect to suffer with him in order that I might become more like him?

more later...

Everything is so fickle to me.

I don't know what it is I really want.

From me, from Jake, from God, From life

My days are typically spent doing the things I feel I have to do, not what I want to do.

However, doing the things I want to do feels selfish to me for some reason when I feel there are things I need to do. I would love to spend hours creating with beads, yarn, fabric, writing, music whatever. However, it doesn't make any money for that day and im left with a messy house, which makes me feel like i've accomplished nothing. I feel like I have let my husband down when he returns home from work, like I haven't done my part.

I can't tell if these are legitimate feelings, or if they are from woundings growing up watching my mother try so hard to make the house perfect so my father wouldn't yell at her.

I feel like Im in a lose-lose situation.

I lose if I never do what I want, and I lose if I do and feel I haven't done my part as a mother/wife.

I get so guilty thinking about how I just want to run off sometimes and feel what it feels like not to care about anything in the world again. I love my family and what I have been given, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit at times that it can be overwhelming for me. To feel like I give myself all day and have nothing at the end of it for myself.

I used to write music and lyrics for hours. Now my mind is too busy thinking of all i need to do that day that the words seem to be pushed behind somewhere. Close enough that I know they are there, yet too far to grab onto.

I want so badly to feel like Im doing all the things my heart desires. Its not that I want it to be all about me or something. I just want to have an equal balance. I just want to be satisfied, instead I feel as if I am in constant thirst.

and who likes being thirsty?

Someone please buy me this as a house warming gift.

its only 2,700 dollars...