Journal followup

Its been some time since I've posted so before I go into anything else I should follow up with the journal thing.

Sometime ago, I was struggling spiritually again. I felt tired, beat down, lifeless. I can not believe how depressed I was about this stupid journal! My prayer life, like I said, was lacking and therefore I had become so withdrawn from the Lord. It was in this time that I finally decided enough is enough. That I did not need a journal to pray and it was time to press back in.

Papa met me in this moment and recharged my life! My relationship with him has been made even stronger I feel, and its so good to be able to meet him anytime, anyplace... no matter if I have my journal to write everything out or not.

Before this time I was praying a lot that the Lord would help me find my journal, and I found myself getting frustrated that it didn't seem to be getting answered. Then on a totally random day, after I had starting praying to the Lord and pressing in I found my journal in a completely random place, while looking for something else.

That evening i was sitting in bed, reading through old entries, getting ready to write a new one when a realization came to me. The Lord still answered my prayer to find my journal, but he did not allow me to find it until i was ready to come to him without it. I couldn't help but smile at how great of a father he is, and how subtly he teaches us and grows us in every aspect of our lives. He is SOO involved with us and growing us in anyway he can, even by taking something away so small as a journal for a time in order to draw us closer to him. I absolutely love these moments, even if they are hard...where I can just sit back and reflect on how beautiful he is.

ahhhh :)

Journal

I lost my journal.

Some of you may not see this as a big deal, but to me it really really sucks.

Im not really good about praying.. out loud, or even in my head. Im also not any good at verbalizing my feelings. This is why I really really loved my journal. I could have my daily conversations with Papa and express how I was feeling. It was great and my favorite thing about writing out my prayers is looking back to what I prayed for and seeing how my life has changed since then, what prayers were answered and which ones I need to keep praying for.

You might say "well you could always get another journal".

Yes, you are right. I could totally get another journal but for some reason I just... can't.

Im so depressed about all the memories lost now with that journal. I don't want to think about someone finding it and reading everything and IM so saddened by the fact that I won't get to go back through the pages and see my heart in its purest form.

Im so depressed about it that I can't start over.

So now, Im stuck... my prayer life is lacking because that was how I prayed!

I feel like I lost my best friend. Like a huge piece of who I am is gone.

ugh. Im so dramatic

I have issues that Im not sure I will ever get over.

I haven't posted anything in a while, but it seems im not the only one who has seemed to died out somewhat from the blogging world.

Anyways whats new with me?

God has filled me with a trust I cannot explain in this time of lack. The old me would be freaking out about the situation we are in, yet I am so content. The other day we even received a check for a couple hundred dollars randomly!! They didn't even know we were hard for money from what I can tell. (and no it was not from my parents, or anyone related to me for that matter)God is showing me that his promise is true and it is so good to be able to trust in and rest in that promise!

My spirit has been filled with the HOLY spirit and i feel as if I am bursting at the seams. This last sunday was one of the best mornings of worship I have had in a while. I almost lost composure and burst out laughing off of the spiritual high I was feeling. I felt as if my fingers moved on their own as I played my violin, I felt as if I wasn't just playing notes at all but speaking something so personal and intimate with my Papa.

I am filled with a hunger to learn more about my papa, my jesus and the holy spirit. It is so exciting to know that there is soo much to learn about my creator that I could spend the rest of my life soaking in all I can and never even touch the surface!

I struggle with things of my past occasionally creeping up on me. I feel the sting every once and a while but it is gone almost as soon as it comes because I can rejoice in all that Papa has brought me from!

I was but an orphan-without hope, wondering, without identity, isolated, living for myself my- own terms, not belonging.

but you said " I will not leave you as orphans. I WILL come to you" -John 14:18

" fo you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship. and by him we cry, ABBA, father!" -Romans 8:15

by the spirit of adoption we have been given by God a destiny which is transformed into conformity of the image and likeness of God!

I am thankful for this. I am thankful for these hard times, for if jesus learned obedience from suffering before dying on the cross, then how can I not expect to suffer with him in order that I might become more like him?

more later...

Everything is so fickle to me.

I don't know what it is I really want.

From me, from Jake, from God, From life

My days are typically spent doing the things I feel I have to do, not what I want to do.

However, doing the things I want to do feels selfish to me for some reason when I feel there are things I need to do. I would love to spend hours creating with beads, yarn, fabric, writing, music whatever. However, it doesn't make any money for that day and im left with a messy house, which makes me feel like i've accomplished nothing. I feel like I have let my husband down when he returns home from work, like I haven't done my part.

I can't tell if these are legitimate feelings, or if they are from woundings growing up watching my mother try so hard to make the house perfect so my father wouldn't yell at her.

I feel like Im in a lose-lose situation.

I lose if I never do what I want, and I lose if I do and feel I haven't done my part as a mother/wife.

I get so guilty thinking about how I just want to run off sometimes and feel what it feels like not to care about anything in the world again. I love my family and what I have been given, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit at times that it can be overwhelming for me. To feel like I give myself all day and have nothing at the end of it for myself.

I used to write music and lyrics for hours. Now my mind is too busy thinking of all i need to do that day that the words seem to be pushed behind somewhere. Close enough that I know they are there, yet too far to grab onto.

I want so badly to feel like Im doing all the things my heart desires. Its not that I want it to be all about me or something. I just want to have an equal balance. I just want to be satisfied, instead I feel as if I am in constant thirst.

and who likes being thirsty?

Someone please buy me this as a house warming gift.

its only 2,700 dollars...

next

i don't know if im just crazy or something but...

i really want another baby!!

what should I do???

update

life is good.

pics of the new house to come when I finish painting and moving in!

We cannot serve two masters. We CANNOT.

We cannot say that we are christians and love God with all our heart and also love the world. We must hate one and love the other.

Do you think that God sent his only son to die for us and suffer so that we can merely declare with our lips that we are christian and still turn away from him with our hearts.

We cannot be sucked into the world and what it wants us to believe is important.

Life is not about growing up, going to school, getting a job raising and family with a white picket fence. Its about Loving God and bringing Glory to God and nothing else.

It is about carrying our cross and following the one who IS and WAS and Always will be.

ARE YOU LUKEWARM??

1) Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly either because it’s expected of them or because they like the people there. It’s what “good Christians” do.

2) Lukewarm people give money and time to the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it’s easy and safe to give, they do so.

3) Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right in conflict. They want to fit in both inside the church and outside of it. They care more about what people think of their actions than what God thinks of their heart.

4) Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want to be saved from the penalty for their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and are not truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them.

5) Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones. These people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all of his followers.

6) People rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.

7) Lukewarm people love God, but they don’t love him with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much but that sort of devotion is only for pastors and missionaries and radicals.

8 ) Lukewarm people want pastors that will point out to them their gifts, but not pastors who will point out to them their sin.

9) Lukewarm people are continually concerned with safety and comfort. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

Revelation 3:15-16 ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. 16 ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

he goes on to say: I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. 19 ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.20 ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. 21 ‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 22 ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

I hope that you are convicted by these things as I was. I am lukewarm and I do not want to be. Therefore Papa I ask that you make me like the Gold. Refine me so that I may become rich. Clothe me in white. Turn my soul away from its selfish desire and set it solely on you My God. For you are all that I need, all that I desire and I want to love you with all my HEART all my MIND and all my STRENGTH.

Let me hear your voice and open the door! Let me wash your feet with my hair and tears. Please lord let me sit with you. Open my ears so that I may hear and KNOW that you are God.

Amen.

swell season

Dear M and D

I wish you cared.

idleness

I have grown tired of my idleness.Jesus did not ask for a piece of myself but for the whole thing!I was not chosen to merely blend in and live in what is comfortable.what was I thinking when I prayed for a heart like his?? What was I expecting?Now Im sitting here with an anxious heart with no idea what is going on inside me. Why should I be surprised then when this life I now live is leaving me yearning for something else.The day I let him into my soul, he planted something in me that has been growing and has now ran out of room in the life i now lead.After all "faith without deeds is dead"
I ready lord. Im ready to stop talking for a minute and listen to what you want from me. Im ready to start believing in you. Which is the hardest part isn't it?Because to believe in you, is to disbelieve myself.

BB

I love watching you grow.

Each day i swear I can't love you anymore, yet every day my heart seems stretched to a new capacity.

You make me want to try harder.

To be a better person.

To do things right for once.

To change

Papa,

please don't let me mess this up.

love,

chels

Continuation

Once again I am feeling less than grand.

I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.

I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)

However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"

I could blame it on... well lets not go there...

but I still think its more than just that.

I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?

Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?

Lets hope so.

But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.

Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.

I HATE MY JOB.

There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.

Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.

My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.

But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.

I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..

The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.

I want a job where I am NEEDED.

I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.

I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.

and that feels terrible to me.

I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!

and I don't feel that way.

But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.

Because I need the flexible schedule.

So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.

Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.

thanks

love,

Chelsea

Potty

So maddi has officially gone pee pee on the potty 3 times now : )

SAWWEET!

P.S.

Im really lonely today.

I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.

Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Most of the time Im confused by you.

yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.

you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.

I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.

If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.

ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.

I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....

normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.

My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.

You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.

plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.

Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.

they aren't very forgiving.

you can't put God in a box stupid.

Okay.

So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)

Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.

But then life pulled a quick one on me.

Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.

I just didn't understand.

"GOD I THOUGH WE WERE HEALED, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? HASN'T SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH SICKNESS LONG ENOUGH??"

--silence--

Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.

"GOD. ABBA. PAPPA. WHERE ARE YOU? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON. WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS?"

--silence--

"WELL WHAT IF SHE STOPS BELIEVING IN YOU LORD?"

--silence--

"WELL...WHAT IF HER BOYFRIEND NEVER FINDS YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FIX THINGS."

--silence--

more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.

i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...

"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.

"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..

and so on and so on...

Then I couldn't even talk to God.

I didn't want to.

I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.

I ran away from him.

I got angry at him for leaving me again.

for being silent.

for not explaining it to me.

for letting me be afraid.

Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.

She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.

"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."

wow.

Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?

I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.

and then he pulled a quick one on me.

but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.

Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.

All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.

He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.

And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "

but I trust you, lead the way.

maddi me

okay. 

im in there somewhere right?? (im the one with brown hair of course)