I can't sleep tonight because there is too much on my mind.

Yet nothing at all.

I can't focus.

Im afraid I don't know my sister anymore and that I won't be able to find her.

I miss her smile

her laugh

her love

I don't know how Im feeling exactly

I wish I wasn't so anxious about this sort of thing.

anyways.

I should try to sleep

I love you jake and Im really going to miss you this week.

You are truly my better half.... 

I know.. cheesy

Im not sad

I just really like his song writing.

Poor little rose, beaten by the rain
In the wind, in the gale, thunder and the hail 
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane 
Without the numbness or the pain so intense to feel
'Specially now it added up through the years 

And I, I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's broke
I taught myself how to grow old

Most of the times I got nothing to say 
When I do it's nothing and nobody's there to listen anyway 
I know I'm probably better off this way 
I just listen to the voices on the TV 'til I'm tired 
My eyes grow heavy and I fade away 

'Cause I, I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
Though I was crooked on the outside 

I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
'Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's caved

Crooked on the outside, inside's caved 
Crooked on the outside, inside is caved 
I taught myself how to grow old

sit

im so tired of these restless legs that refuse to move

I wait and wait for a reason but 

just make excuses for sleep

I sleep while moving

painting pictures behind sealed eyelids

I get stuck in time 

while everything is still moving

and I can't decide whats best for you me

Sometimes i wake up smelling blueberry muffins

Does that mean I miss the country?

I want to make something of this picture

but I keep smearing the lines

I want to change the world

I want to save _____

but I can't catch my breath

and my pulse is slower than than...

theirs.

my floor moves like the water

I like to watch the ripples under your feet

but the water is still beneath mine

and i can't figure out why..

They always said I had a wild imagination

Sometimes I can't tell the difference

 I always shuffle my feet

so that I remember to stay on the ground

but I am always up above the city lights

looking for my direction

|

|

|

and there you are.

lately

Maddison officially is into everything and is everywhere.  I made the mistake of letting her sit on the balcony with me while I planted flowers, only to glance over and see a beautiful ring of dirt around her mouth.

A little while later I had to take her to work with me because my mother was unavailable... she was sitting on the floor  for .039 seconds by my desk before I looked down to see her chewing on something... a dirty penny. I then proceeded to freak out at how dirty it was and attempt to pour water in her mouth to wash it out.. however she just drank the water and defeated the purpose..

Yesterday I put her on the floor with some toys in my room while I looked in my closet for something to wear... looking over I noticed her moving in to lick an outlet, pulling her away at the last second ( my room is not baby proofed ) 

despite the latest "scares" I am very happy about where I am in my life.  I think i struggled for a while... missing my rambling days, but I've realized that what I have not everyone gets to experience and I am so lucky to have it.  I love my daughter more and more everyday and its almost scary.  I remember thinking before that I was not looking forward to taking my kids to the kiddy park all day watching them ride those dumb rides... until i went to kingsisland...  I looked around and anytime I saw a blonde  little three year old girl I missed my Maddi and got excited thinking about her big smile as she went around in circles on the scooby doo ride.

I love being a mom.  

I love the way she loves me all the time. 

I love how she can recognize my voice even when she is in the middle of a nap upstairs.

I love how she likes to cuddle with me and try and put her fingers up my nose.

I love scooping her up and comforting her when she falls down.

I love when she lets out big farts and then claps her hands afterwards

I love when she purposefully drops food on the floor for the dog to eat

I love when she starts cracking up for being naked right before a bath

I love learning her. Watching her personality bloom with each passing month. There is no way I could ever explain what its like to be a parent to anyone who isn't one.  When i look at her, I don't understand how anyone could harm a child/ baby , especially their own.  I can't even fathom the kind of love God has for us if it is really more than I have for my daughter.. and I know it is.

I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with in my life. Im so glad that God has delivered me from the old and made me his "new".  I can't even imagine where I would be if I had never gotten away from the path I was on.  I never would have thought I would want the life I have now.. as if it would be too boring.. meant for when you are older and done having an actual life.  But I feel like I am finally really living.  Old desires have been replaced with new ones, my heart has been changed so dramatically that most people who knew me from before don't recognize me anymore. 

If I could give anyone any advice at all... it would be to just stop trying.  Stop trying to find happiness, the perfect lover, the perfect friend, the perfect job, etc.  And just let God do it for you.  he has your best in mind, and ONLY the best.

Im not saying this to be cheesy or overly romantic or something but the God honest truth.. When I came back from Florida, the first night in bed I prayed that God take over my life.  That I needed the next man I let in my life to be the one he had planned for me because i was not strong enough to guard my heart.   THE HONEST TRUTH.. the next man I met was Jake, and I had even forgotten the request I had made to God until the night before we got married.

There are so many times when i go back to trying to do everything myself and I usually get overwhelmed and beaten down.  Its not until I let God handle everything for me, that I trust that he does have my best in mind and will not forsake me, do I really live the way my heart truly desires. 

i really like manchester orchestra

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
I'm ? with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

hmm

Everybody seems so inspired lately.  Im not. Maybe thats a good thing?

Sometimes my family upsets me.  Why so angry all the time? 

Haley, I wish you were still small, innocent and sweet.  I liked it that way and I never appreciated it like I should have.

Dad.. you are funny sometimes, and sometimes when you get drunk and yell vagina, balls and zombie really loud its embarrassing....  its still a little funny though.

Mom, I wish you could forgive.

and forget. 

and sometimes I wish you talked to me like your daughter, not your friend, because there are some things I don't think I need to know about because I have enough issues to deal with on my own.

Lord, I really hope you healed my sister tonight like you did me. Im so proud that she had the courage to try and eat bread and I hope that it was you who gave her the courage for a reason. I don't want her to be sick any more and I definitely don't want her to be sick if I am well.

Also.... It would be really cool if you could help me find my journal.  I really miss it and I have a lot to say.

thanks.

I love you 

goodnight.

Wish

I wish

I could explain how i've been feeling lately.

unmotivated ?

sometimes I think Im jealous of where your life is taking you even though i'm a part of it.

I guess its because 

while I follow the same pattern day after day,

your life is always changing.

something new is always waiting for you.

I can't help that I don't want you to leave me behind sometimes.

right?

I wish you could see that.

Sometimes I think it makes me kind of crazy.

I've been forgetting things.

I can't help but wonder if Im slowly being pushed out

or at least to the back of the line.

when we meet its explosive

but when we are apart i feel like an addict

out of cash.

My heart is guilty for the times I wish things were different

that we could sail away just the two of us

but we can't and I understand that.

and because of her, Im okay with that too.

I do get angry sometimes though

angry that you missed out

that you weren't there to see her stand with no hands

or laugh so hard time stopped for a moment

I know you care

but sometimes it feels like only after everything else.

I know you have your passions that you want to pursue

how could I hold you back?

but what happens when you are mine?

sometimes it feels like this all snuck up on me

and I guess Im still adjusting.

I guess people make sacrifices for the ones they love,

but when will we sacrifice FOR love?

anyways, I just want you to know that im sorry

and Im trying

and... I just miss you is all.