Continuation

Once again I am feeling less than grand.

I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.

I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)

However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"

I could blame it on... well lets not go there...

but I still think its more than just that.

I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?

Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?

Lets hope so.

But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.

Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.

I HATE MY JOB.

There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.

Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.

My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.

But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.

I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..

The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.

I want a job where I am NEEDED.

I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.

I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.

and that feels terrible to me.

I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!

and I don't feel that way.

But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.

Because I need the flexible schedule.

So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.

Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.

thanks

love,

Chelsea

Potty

So maddi has officially gone pee pee on the potty 3 times now : )

SAWWEET!

P.S.

Im really lonely today.

I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.

Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Most of the time Im confused by you.

yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.

you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.

I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.

If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.

ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.

I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....

normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.

My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.

You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.

plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.

Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.

they aren't very forgiving.

you can't put God in a box stupid.

Okay.

So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)

Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.

But then life pulled a quick one on me.

Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.

I just didn't understand.

"GOD I THOUGH WE WERE HEALED, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? HASN'T SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH SICKNESS LONG ENOUGH??"

--silence--

Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.

"GOD. ABBA. PAPPA. WHERE ARE YOU? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON. WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS?"

--silence--

"WELL WHAT IF SHE STOPS BELIEVING IN YOU LORD?"

--silence--

"WELL...WHAT IF HER BOYFRIEND NEVER FINDS YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FIX THINGS."

--silence--

more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.

i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...

"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.

"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..

and so on and so on...

Then I couldn't even talk to God.

I didn't want to.

I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.

I ran away from him.

I got angry at him for leaving me again.

for being silent.

for not explaining it to me.

for letting me be afraid.

Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.

She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.

"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."

wow.

Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?

I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.

and then he pulled a quick one on me.

but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.

Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.

All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.

He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.

And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "

but I trust you, lead the way.

maddi me

okay. 

im in there somewhere right?? (im the one with brown hair of course)

he loves us

if this doesnt at least make your eyes burn then you are a cyborg.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.