Friday, January 15, 2010

Everything is so fickle to me.
I don't know what it is I really want.
From me, from Jake, from God, From life

My days are typically spent doing the things I feel I have to do, not what I want to do.
However, doing the things I want to do feels selfish to me for some reason when I feel there are things I need to do. I would love to spend hours creating with beads, yarn, fabric, writing, music whatever. However, it doesn't make any money for that day and im left with a messy house, which makes me feel like i've accomplished nothing. I feel like I have let my husband down when he returns home from work, like I haven't done my part.

I can't tell if these are legitimate feelings, or if they are from woundings growing up watching my mother try so hard to make the house perfect so my father wouldn't yell at her.

I feel like Im in a lose-lose situation.
I lose if I never do what I want, and I lose if I do and feel I haven't done my part as a mother/wife.

I get so guilty thinking about how I just want to run off sometimes and feel what it feels like not to care about anything in the world again. I love my family and what I have been given, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit at times that it can be overwhelming for me. To feel like I give myself all day and have nothing at the end of it for myself.
I used to write music and lyrics for hours. Now my mind is too busy thinking of all i need to do that day that the words seem to be pushed behind somewhere. Close enough that I know they are there, yet too far to grab onto.

I want so badly to feel like Im doing all the things my heart desires. Its not that I want it to be all about me or something. I just want to have an equal balance. I just want to be satisfied, instead I feel as if I am in constant thirst.
and who likes being thirsty?