Thursday, August 27, 2009

you can't put God in a box stupid.

So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)
Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.
But then life pulled a quick one on me.
Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.
I just didn't understand.
Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.
more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.
i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...
"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.
"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..
and so on and so on...

Then I couldn't even talk to God.
I didn't want to.
I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.
I ran away from him.
I got angry at him for leaving me again.
for being silent.
for not explaining it to me.
for letting me be afraid.

Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.
She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.
"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."


Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?

I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.
and then he pulled a quick one on me.
but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.
Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.
All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.
He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.

And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "

but I trust you, lead the way.

Monday, August 24, 2009

maddi me

im in there somewhere right?? (im the one with brown hair of course)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

he loves us

if this doesnt at least make your eyes burn then you are a cyborg.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Find More lyrics at
Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


my life is back to the same rhythm.
Im not sure I like it this way.
don't get me wrong.
I love my life.
I love my husband and my really goofy/weird/cute/crazy daughter.
but somedays I feel like im on auto pilot.

I was meant for adventure.
For change
And i don't always get much of that.
Maddison just pooped her pants and it is stinking the whole room up.
Im ready for her to be potty trained.. lllllooolll

Since I can't move somewhere to feed my need for change/adventure..
Im going to switch crafts this time.
Modern quilting.
yeah i know. sounds very grandma but if all goes well it will be awesome.
plus my spinning wheel is getting repaired so i need something grandma ish to do in the mean time.

p.s. I hate cleaning.
p.p.s. i really want a house so that Jake can build me my own art studio for all my crafts. I have far too many and its taking over Maddi's closet

Monday, August 3, 2009

Left and Leaving

Please enjoy the wolf during this song..

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.