Thursday, April 30, 2009


Everybody seems so inspired lately.  Im not. Maybe thats a good thing?

Sometimes my family upsets me.  Why so angry all the time? 

Haley, I wish you were still small, innocent and sweet.  I liked it that way and I never appreciated it like I should have.

Dad.. you are funny sometimes, and sometimes when you get drunk and yell vagina, balls and zombie really loud its embarrassing....  its still a little funny though.

Mom, I wish you could forgive.
and forget. 
and sometimes I wish you talked to me like your daughter, not your friend, because there are some things I don't think I need to know about because I have enough issues to deal with on my own.

Lord, I really hope you healed my sister tonight like you did me. Im so proud that she had the courage to try and eat bread and I hope that it was you who gave her the courage for a reason. I don't want her to be sick any more and I definitely don't want her to be sick if I am well.

Also.... It would be really cool if you could help me find my journal.  I really miss it and I have a lot to say.

I love you 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I wish
I could explain how i've been feeling lately.
unmotivated ?
sometimes I think Im jealous of where your life is taking you even though i'm a part of it.
I guess its because 
while I follow the same pattern day after day,
your life is always changing.
something new is always waiting for you.
I can't help that I don't want you to leave me behind sometimes.

I wish you could see that.
Sometimes I think it makes me kind of crazy.
I've been forgetting things.
I can't help but wonder if Im slowly being pushed out
or at least to the back of the line.
when we meet its explosive
but when we are apart i feel like an addict
out of cash.

My heart is guilty for the times I wish things were different
that we could sail away just the two of us
but we can't and I understand that.
and because of her, Im okay with that too.

I do get angry sometimes though
angry that you missed out
that you weren't there to see her stand with no hands
or laugh so hard time stopped for a moment
I know you care
but sometimes it feels like only after everything else.

I know you have your passions that you want to pursue
how could I hold you back?
but what happens when you are mine?

sometimes it feels like this all snuck up on me
and I guess Im still adjusting.
I guess people make sacrifices for the ones they love,
but when will we sacrifice FOR love?

anyways, I just want you to know that im sorry
and Im trying
and... I just miss you is all.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Enemy is real

I always thought when I was younger, that  when you were a christian, things got better for you. Which is why I had so much heart ache and anger for God... so much confusion... so many nights crying out "why me Lord, why do I deserve this sort of life??"
I did not realize how desperately the enemy wanted my soul, that he would not quit so easily. I didn't realize that becoming a christian doesn't put some sort of protective bubble around you life, if anything you become a bigger target to the enemy.  Do you think that people living in anger, hate, drugs, violence etc are at greater risk to the evil one than you?? You would be mistaken, the evil one knows they are stuck in their sin, which will bring evil of its own, but those who are falling away from the evil in their lives... they are the real threats.

The hardest for me as of late is dealing with the consequence for getting closer to God.  The attacks from the enemy are so much stronger and more powerful.  Two weeks after being healed I started getting all my symptoms back.  I was filled with fear and at that moment I doubted.  After much prayer and few conversations with God, I Realized that even as strong as the enemy felt in my life at the time, my God was stronger and my symptoms once again were gone.  I am still healed.

Two days after my vision I was attacked again.  I was sad/angry/fearful for what seemed... no reason at all.  My weird compulsive things that seemed to have been under control  for a while, suddenly came back in full force.  The enemy was not ready to surrender, so once again I returned to prayer and the word. I drowned myself in worship music.  There was a battle ragging inside of me, yet I knew my God would not forsake me.

I guess what I want to tell everyone that being a christian is not a stroll in the park!  God speaks to us constantly.  Sometimes he tells us things like "you should give that person a hug" or "you need to apologize"... little things like that, and sometimes you listen to that voice or sometimes you ignore it.  But know this:
The more you listen to God, the more you trust in him and his word, the more he entrusts to you. The more your relationship with him grows and the more amazing it is! Yet, with it comes the battle, so be ready my friends to fight.  but rest assured that the Lord will not abandon you, he will lift you on the wings of eagles and carry you above the storm. 
Have faith, all is not lost!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Yesterday I had my first "vision"
During the worship at house church, someone was talking of God's love. With my eyes tightly closed and my mind focused on him, I asked "God, is that how you feel about me?.. How do you feel about me?"  A few moments later I saw myself being wrapped with a large ribbon.  It flowed around my body wearing the most beautiful color of pink and orange and gold all put together and it almost seemed to glow.  As I saw this the words were spoken to my heart " You are precious, You are MY precious" and the ribbon twirled around me squeezing me almost with an overwhelming love and comfort I could never put into words.  
Then I saw the same ribbon start to wisp around like it was a spirit of its own. It was flying back and forth and twirling like the tail on a kite and I could feel my soul flying free as if it was me flying around, dancing almost to the joy in my heart.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and I wish that I could show it to you, but I guess this is the best I can do.  I know now that I have crossed the line, and God will continue to speak to me.  
My soul has finally listened to the holy spirit or as I like to call him (cousin ) and has also chosen to trust.  
Thank you for this gift Lord.

Monday, April 6, 2009

house church

I am really excited because tonight is the "Chris Johnson" church group.
I go to two different house churches alternating mondays. I love my other group because I enjoy talking about God with other people my age and building the relationships, but I LOVE Chris Johnsons group because of the undeniable presence of God that seems to radiate the room each gathering.
This is the group where I received my healing actually.  Every single person there is totally on fire for God and its amazing.  Everything was so different than anything I have ever experienced in a house church.  

The first time I went I have to be honest... I was extremely uncomfortable. Late as usual, I walk into a room where a man is playing some chords on guitar and  everyone seems to be ab-libbing their own worship lyrics.whooooaaa...
  I of course sit down and start squirming around in my seat, lips sealed refusing to participate in such strange worship and look around the room at all of these "charismatic" people.  So what did I see all around the room?? 
Joy. pure, undeniable joy, as if they could actually see the face of God behind their tightly closed eyelids. It was actually as if they were all stoned actually, or drunk. A few people would just start cracking up for no apparent reason even.  And as uncomfortable as I felt, I couldn't help but be completely jealous of every single one of them.

The next time I went, I decided that I was not only going to get there on time(ha!) but I was going to try my hardest to go along with this weird form of worship. Luckily for me the group was smaller, which worked well for my introverted personality. Once we started I said (to myself) "okay God, i want what they have" and I closed my eyes and followed along with the rest. I tried my best to focus completely on God and instead of how ridiculous I felt and I couldn't believe the results.  We started the chorus of a regular song (okay this is more like it) and then just went off and it was strangely... not uncomfortable all all.  I couldn't believe I was doing it and I could feel it coming straight from heart, and It was as if I could feel God smiling upon me with approval.  Then I continued to surprise myself as I added in different hand clap beats.. (WHAT??) it was awesome. everyone added in their little bit and it all came together so beautifully as if we had planned it to be that way.
I realized that the reason it was so beautiful and amazing to me was because I was TRULY worshiping God from the depth of my heart.  There was nothing special about what I or anyone in that room was doing or saying, only that we were all giving ourselves completely to God.
The funny thing about it was that it kinda was like being high almost... but better.  I've done many drugs in my life and NONE of the highs I've ever gotten (or enjoyed) have ever been quite like what I experienced that day.  There was so much happiness pulsing through my veins that I think someone could have punched me square in the face and I would have just laughed and given them a hug.

Now if only I could master KEEPING that feeling going.... Yes then it would be so much easier to deal with all this crap.
well... its a work in progress

Im ready another God high.  HIT ME WITH THE JOY BUS LORD!

Friday, April 3, 2009