Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Maddison officially is into everything and is everywhere.  I made the mistake of letting her sit on the balcony with me while I planted flowers, only to glance over and see a beautiful ring of dirt around her mouth.

A little while later I had to take her to work with me because my mother was unavailable... she was sitting on the floor  for .039 seconds by my desk before I looked down to see her chewing on something... a dirty penny. I then proceeded to freak out at how dirty it was and attempt to pour water in her mouth to wash it out.. however she just drank the water and defeated the purpose..

Yesterday I put her on the floor with some toys in my room while I looked in my closet for something to wear... looking over I noticed her moving in to lick an outlet, pulling her away at the last second ( my room is not baby proofed ) 

despite the latest "scares" I am very happy about where I am in my life.  I think i struggled for a while... missing my rambling days, but I've realized that what I have not everyone gets to experience and I am so lucky to have it.  I love my daughter more and more everyday and its almost scary.  I remember thinking before that I was not looking forward to taking my kids to the kiddy park all day watching them ride those dumb rides... until i went to kingsisland...  I looked around and anytime I saw a blonde  little three year old girl I missed my Maddi and got excited thinking about her big smile as she went around in circles on the scooby doo ride.
I love being a mom.  
I love the way she loves me all the time. 
I love how she can recognize my voice even when she is in the middle of a nap upstairs.
I love how she likes to cuddle with me and try and put her fingers up my nose.
I love scooping her up and comforting her when she falls down.
I love when she lets out big farts and then claps her hands afterwards
I love when she purposefully drops food on the floor for the dog to eat
I love when she starts cracking up for being naked right before a bath

I love learning her. Watching her personality bloom with each passing month. There is no way I could ever explain what its like to be a parent to anyone who isn't one.  When i look at her, I don't understand how anyone could harm a child/ baby , especially their own.  I can't even fathom the kind of love God has for us if it is really more than I have for my daughter.. and I know it is.

I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with in my life. Im so glad that God has delivered me from the old and made me his "new".  I can't even imagine where I would be if I had never gotten away from the path I was on.  I never would have thought I would want the life I have now.. as if it would be too boring.. meant for when you are older and done having an actual life.  But I feel like I am finally really living.  Old desires have been replaced with new ones, my heart has been changed so dramatically that most people who knew me from before don't recognize me anymore. 
If I could give anyone any advice at all... it would be to just stop trying.  Stop trying to find happiness, the perfect lover, the perfect friend, the perfect job, etc.  And just let God do it for you.  he has your best in mind, and ONLY the best.
Im not saying this to be cheesy or overly romantic or something but the God honest truth.. When I came back from Florida, the first night in bed I prayed that God take over my life.  That I needed the next man I let in my life to be the one he had planned for me because i was not strong enough to guard my heart.   THE HONEST TRUTH.. the next man I met was Jake, and I had even forgotten the request I had made to God until the night before we got married.

There are so many times when i go back to trying to do everything myself and I usually get overwhelmed and beaten down.  Its not until I let God handle everything for me, that I trust that he does have my best in mind and will not forsake me, do I really live the way my heart truly desires. 

Sunday, May 10, 2009

i really like manchester orchestra

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a 
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
I'm ? with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the 
curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my 
teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a 
painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again