I don't know if I can blame it on hormones or if its just normal to feel this way.. but I find myself becoming annoyingly jealous of strange things..
I find that when I hear stories of Jakes past and they happen to involve a girl he was with in some way or another, I find myself feeling jealous and I HATE that feeling. Why am I going to feel jealous about something like that? I mean its not like he knew me back then.. and its not like I don't have my own share of past lovers or friends that are male. I feel lame and I hate it. I just hate the way it feels to be jealous. i hate knowing that Im not the only girl thats been in his life, even though hes not the only male thats been in mine.
I find myself getting jealous of the time my mom will be spending with my baby while I am working. I hate how she tells me which things I get to have for the baby and which things are hers...(which seems like all the good stuff!) I hate that i have to work still. I don't want my baby to love her more than me.. i know that sounds so stupid, but i dunno.
I get jealous when my friends hangout with each other without me. This is super lame as well I know. It still sucks.
This is REALLY stupid... I am jealous that my sister is treated differently than I was at her age. Curfew wise, discipline wise, spoiled wise... i HATE it I feel like im a little girl when it upsets me. I know its foolish. however somehow I can't help but feel this way.
Im jealous of people who can do things I can't do like its nothing.
Im jealous of people with awesome hair and faces that look good with any cut...
Also my lack of a baby's room is depressing me lately. I just don't have anywhere to put all the babies stuff and its making me sad. I can't decorate anything and my apartment is cluttered and always feels dirty to me.. I feel like a shitty mom who can't provide for her child.
I feel like it was only last month that i drove to kokomo Indiana at 7pm to meet Jake for the first time. I still remember how extremely tired I was at 4 in the morning sitting with him at steak N shake but not wanting to leave... how i thought about him the whole drive back home that night.
It feels like just last week I was walking down the aisle to the beatles "here, there and everywhere." watching my dad cry for one of the few times in my life.
It feels like just a few days ago, the mexican guy walked into our hotel room while we were gettin it on on our wedding night...
It feels like just yesterday Jake peed all over me in the drunk attempt to pee on my arm after I was stung by a jellyfish on our honeymoon...
But it wasn't just yesterday or last week or month... it was a whole freakin year ago already. I can honestly say that I have never regretted marrying him for one second. Though I was nervous about getting married so young, I know that it was the best decision in my life.
I truly believe that Jake is God's way of showing me how much he loves me. When I think about Jake, I can hear God saying "Look at how well I know your soul."
There is no one in the entire world that could possibly be a better fit for me and I really mean that. Even the places where we are so different, work out to be so perfect together, so complimentary to each other.
He doesn't seem to see the faults I see in myself, but love them.
He sets me free when Im feeling trapped.
He builds me up when I feel im falling down.
He holds me close when i feel im straying away.
And through everything that we do, everything that we go through, everything I say or don't say, he never stops loving me.
He is my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my husband, the father of my child and a little piece of Gods love for me.
So last night my mother agreed to come over and help me arrange my apartment so that I might be able to fit a bassinet and Changing table in my bedroom... and to help me clean because its been hard lately.
I must say the apartment looks great but who knows how long it will stay that way. I have the MESSIEST husband in the whole entire world... seriously, but I love him anyways. I spent hours going through baby clothes and folding them into piles. i cannot wait until this baby is born. Oh and whats even better is while going through the clothes I found another pair of teeny tiny little newborn socks like the blue puppy dog ones I had already.. This pair is white and rolls over at the top to make it a little fluffy and has these cute little monkeys with bananas on them.
My baby shower is coming up and I cannot wait : ) Everybody better come okay? ok.
Last night I had another strange dream. I was supposed to marry a women. Okay, now I know it sounds very lesbian but I assure you it wasn't. hah I had to or something, it was like pre arranged or something weird and I wasn't attracted to her, we were friends. all i remember about her was curly reddish brown hair. But in the dream I was really good friends with Jake and realized the night before the wedding to this woman that I was in love with Jake and so I told him. Then he looked at me and said it couldn't happen because...... and then my alarm went off.
I swear I have the strangest dreams in the planet.
I know its the hormones. it has to be, and I really don't like it.
I hate being moody, and never really thought of myself as a moody person before and liked that about me. However things have changed. It seems as though (usually around 6 pm) I am taken over by these nasty hormone body snatchers, which turn me into an angry, jealous, irritable person. Its not me. I know when I am getting that way too, and when Im being mean or whatever, yet it seems that there is nothing I can do about it. Jake hates it. I don't blame him, but I wish he cut me a little more slack. Its just when I get like this.. the last thing I want to do is talk about the way im acting.. or really talk in general.. however Jake is always trying to do otherwise. I feel bad because Jake will usually end our angry hormonal fight with "I want my wife back." or "what happened to the sweet woman I married." and of course i usually respond with "I killed her." or something along those lines. Who am I????
I also find that i want to fight people. Even for no reason at all. Like the person who refused to go faster than 25 mph last night.. I wanted to ram them off the road, punch through their window, pull them out of there car and punch them in their stupid punchable face. What??!!
I daydream about being at a bar and some stupid female coming up to my man and makin the moves, so i am forced to challenge her to duel. Of course in reality if this ever happened.. im sure Jake would never let me go through with it (because that is just Jakes personality) however in the daydream of mine, he just stands back and watches me completely dominate.
Now Im not going to lie. I've day dreamed about fighting and kicking ass many a time prior to getting knocked up, however it seems more prevalent now.
I also find that I am more jealous now than ever in my life. I get jealous when my friends hang out without me, or when Jake goes and hangs out with people which never would bother me before. I suppose its because I feel like I can't do anything, so no one wants to hang out with me. I can't go to the bars or clubs or whatever because Im knocked up and under aged so what fun am I right?
So jake is going to Crew fest with Sean hadden and of course I am upset again? Why this is selfish of me I know... it must be because I cannot go. Jake is taking my sister and her friends with my father to warped tour and once again i am upset. Why? because preggo can't come along.
who is this jealous angry person?? I don't know you.. get out of my body. Damn hormones.. go pick on someone else..
I just want to ask God why? Why?? Why did you make pregnant women so hormonal in the end??? To test how much our husbands REALLy love us "good times and bad??" I mean isn't being hot all the time, cramping, getting stuck in couches, peeing constantly, feeling like a beached whale, swollen feet, head ache, tiredness, and fat ass enough? Why doesn't the bible explain this more. Oh yeah Eve's punishment right?? Well you know what Eve... You suck.
I had a dream about the end of the world. Some of it I was in and a lot of it I was just watching I guess. Anyways, there is a lot to it that I'm sure I'm forgetting but I do want to tell you all about it because it was very strange... and a little disturbing.
It started off with me watching the majority of it...
People were no longer allowed to have anything to do with God. Any sort of temple, church or whatever were destroyed. Bibles were burned and you were killed just for saying the word "God". The man who did all this seemed to want absolute control. I was under the impression that this man wanted to be God himself. There was a lot of fighting going on it seemed. Many buildings and homes were being burned and destroyed. People of faith were killed publicly in all sorts of different ways.
Then there was the rain. It rained so much. sometimes it would flood really bad and kill lots of people and animals. The vegetation around started dying out from all the rain. There was a food shortage due to the lack of vegetation anywhere and the depletion of livestock. There were some fish and creatures of the water, but they were dangerous to eat because the water had also brought a lot of diseases. People then started dying everywhere from either starvation or some sort of nasty disease. Some people were even resorting to cannibalism.
In the dream, it seemed I was shown all these things so I would understand what was going on before I was thrown into it all. There are some pieces missing but what I remember the most was wandering around.
The city or town that I was in was almost completely destroyed. All the trees were dead. Cars were abandoned everywhere and the buildings were all crumbling away. It seemed I was looking for someone, my family I think but i don't remember. There were people around but they most stayed inside. The people I could see were deformed from either the effects of the war, or because they had gotten one of the many diseases. They were really scary and would stare at me in the shadows as I went by, some following me. I searched and searched for what seemed like hours and it appeared most people were gone, and those who were alive were crazy or dying. Then there was a little girl in rags playing around a building. I walked past her and she ran over to me. "I bet you have never seen a mango before!" she said " I have one you know. Do you want a mango??" She asked me, but before I could say anything she yelled at a smaller girl who was playing in the shadows to go get the mangos. Then the smaller girl came out holding a bag of grapefruits, only they were extremely rotten and moldy, most of them were blue-green and fuzzy, but there was one on top that still had some yellow. The first girl reached in the bag and pulled out the yellowish one and held it out to me. The rags she was wearing covered most of her body but when she held out the fruit I could see that part of her arm and hand was covered in open wounds. Some of the skin was falling off and there were black wart looking things around her fingers. They wanted me to stay with them but I was scared suddenly and ran off, so they started throwing rocks at me as i ran.
I have found my new favorite addiction. sharp cheddar cheese and cream cheese and chive wheat thins. WoW.
I went to the the doctor yesterday. I was really disappointed for some reason. I guess I was hoping that the symptoms I have been feeling ( cramping, nausea, BH contractions and the increased pressure on my bladder ) were early signs of labor. However they appear to be normal : '( I don't want to wait until august for this baby to come. I want it out now dammit!
I've been a little depressed lately. I have been wanting to go out and get some new craft supplies but I am no longer allowed to do so. For those who don't know, where some people have obsessions with purchasing shoes or something.. I have with crafts. I LOVE buying crafts and never finishing projects. Usually its because I get frustrated that what Im making isn't coming out perfect.. other times Its just my ADD that attracts me to some other new craft instead.
Anyways.. Now that I am married, I can no longer REALLY spend money on whatever I want without first talking about it. ( Im sure this wouldn't be an issue if we weren't so broke) Jake used to let me get the craft I wanted until he finally caught on. Apparently he feels the tubs filled with yarn, knitting and crochet needles, THOUSANDS of beads of all types, colored pencils, and more should be enough for any sort of craft craving I have. Also the fact that I have yet to use my new sewing machine I begged for for christmas hasn't really helped : ( My defense for that however is... How am i supposed to use my sewing machine if you won't let me get any fabric??!! ahh ha!
Maybe i should finally use those books for making baby booties and blankets with crochet... like I had originally planned on doing 4 months ago. By the time I finish that project my child will probably be graduating from high school.
Oh well. Maybe I just need someone to come over and do crafts with me that I already have??
I am in love with this show. Probably because I wish I could do what these people do sooo bad. I just wish i could start over and start dancing when I was like 2 or something so I could be amazing like this.
Mia Michaels is the most amazing Choreographer in my opinion. Her dances are like artwork... and she always tells some sort of story, and they NEVER lack in feeling. When I see them I can't look away and I wish so badly that I could be the one dancing them. I have no idea how she comes up with these amazing dances all the time... Shes amazing.
Im going to post both of her videos because I just thought they were awesome and luckily some of the better couples performed them. nvmd.. i can only find one : (