Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Once again I am feeling less than grand.
I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.
I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)
However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"
I could blame it on... well lets not go there...
but I still think its more than just that.

I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?

Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?
Lets hope so.
But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.

Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.
There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.
Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.
My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.
But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.
I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..
The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.
I want a job where I am NEEDED.
I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.
I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.
and that feels terrible to me.
I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!
and I don't feel that way.

But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.
Because I need the flexible schedule.
So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.

Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.


Thursday, September 17, 2009


So maddi has officially gone pee pee on the potty 3 times now : )


Saturday, September 12, 2009


Im really lonely today.
I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.
Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.
Sometimes I want to scream at you.
Most of the time Im confused by you.
yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.
you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.
I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.
If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.
ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.
I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....
normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.
My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.
You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.
plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.
Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.
they aren't very forgiving.