I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.
I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)
However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"
I could blame it on... well lets not go there...
but I still think its more than just that.
I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?
Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?
Lets hope so.
But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.
Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.
I HATE MY JOB.
There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.
Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.
My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.
But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.
I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..
The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.
I want a job where I am NEEDED.
I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.
I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.
and that feels terrible to me.
I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!
and I don't feel that way.
But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.
Because I need the flexible schedule.
So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.
Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.