Okay

Jake - Matt Carter

Jake - Me

me - my sister(not as excited as me apparently)

Jake - my dad - Matt Carter

Its been a while since i've written.  im sure you all missed me : P

Anyways its monday morning... and it feels like Monday morning.  I had maybe two hours of sleep last night.  I just couldn't get comfortable at all, and on top of it.. my husband wouldn't stop hogging the bed.  But oh well.  What can I do.

I had this really cool dream that I found this awesome clothing store.  I wish it was real, because the clothes were amazing.. its funny though, because even in my dream I couldn't afford any of it : (

sigh...

Well, Jake and I spent last weekend with his family up north.  It was really nice to see them again. It makes me sad sometimes that we hardly get to see them due to the long drive, but you have to do what you have to do.

We spent all saturday at his grandparents lake.  I watched Jake ride around on the knee board and tube with envy and tried my best to get some sort of tan with no avail.  For some reason I didn't even bother with getting in the water until about the last 40 minutes we were there and once I was in on the raft I didn't want to leave!  Which made it a real bummer when we had to get out :(

 On Sunday John David played at  church and when he sang holy surrender.. i think thats what its called... I balled like a baby!  I didn't even make it to the second verse before i felt myself choke up and tears running down my face.  I was just over taken.  I love that but at the same time I don't because I feel goofy, even though I shouldn't care what people think.

The funny thing though was Im listening to this song, crying, arms raised in praise to the lord and THEN... Someone in front of me farted.  And I don't mean like a little fart, i mean like someone really needs to go the bathroom fart! I just had to laugh to myself that something like that would happen and I still think it was God making a haha.  I have no doubt that God has a sense of humor, and a good one at that.  After the song ended Jake and I just had to burst out laughing because Jake also had that moment I had, feeling Gods overwhelming presence before turning green from someone's gas.  What a nice trip it was.  It went by too fast.

Friday

Reasons why work has been great so far:

- Dr pepper

- Free Jimmy Johns

- Fusball

- Milk Duds

- Einstein Bagels

- Muse Live in London DVD on the bigscreen

- Friday

- air conditioning

- Green grass backgrounds

- baby butt

- ball chairs

- Smiles

Somedays I just really love my job.. I don't even care that its raining.

Its so cute...

When you get the hiccups.  I feel like I know you a little better.  I can just imagine your cute little face (even though i dreamt the other night it was deformed : /... )  I also like how you seem to enjoy pushing your butt up into my ribcage, it hurts but its fun to grab and poke  and watch you squirm away.  I tried the ring test the other day to see if you were a girl or a boy, but it kinda went back and forth and in circles so I dunno.  Mom says you are a hermaphrodite but I hope not, I think you just really want to surprise everyone!

I went to Einstein bagels with my Dad this morning and a women asked how far a long I was.  I told her and then she said I was really small and looked at me like I was lying to her.  She asked what you were and I said it was a surprise and then my dad said " we waited for both our kids and found it much more exciting "  Then the Lady said... "so you already have two kids??" ( to me ) 

GROSSSSSS she thought my dad was your daddy! ewww  I had a feeling people probably thought that when they see me and dad out all the time but Jake said i was paranoid.  now I know.  I think i should wear a sign.

P.S. I love you, but Im afraid of what you are going to do the Mrs. later!!  Ahh!

WHat?

I found this interesting...

I was right....

My mom is pissed at me.  I couldn't believe her the other day, I was so mad...

She brought it up by saying "Did you even think to ask Jake before you asked Mandy to be there??"  I was like.. umm yeah and he doesn't care.  and she was like "well i bet it probably really bothers him and he just doesn't want to say anything."  Im like.. No mom, he doesn't care.  He understands that I am going to be going through a lot and wants me to do what I think is best.  I was like.. I think its bothering you not him. Then she was like  "I just think its bullshit"  I couldn't believe it.  I was like, how is it bull shit that I want to have someone there to help me know what to do??? and shes like... "you are so selfish all the time. This was important to me and you made it all shit now"  Im like.. wtf???  This isn't about YOU.  I am the one who has to push a damn human being out of me and you are calling me selfish because I want someone to help me??  " Every woman that would be around has had a baby and you could just use the doctor for help"  Im like no mom, you don't get it the doctor doesn't coach you.. they do what they have to do and thats it.  And no one in our whole family whos still alive has ever given birth naturally and its completely different.

Anyways... I will stop reciting all that went on but it went on for a while and involved a lot of screaming.  I was soo mad at her, I can't even explain it.  Then she asked me why the hell I was giving birth naturally anyways.  

I mean maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that it should be my decision what I do.  I want to feel comfortable when its time to do this, and have someone there who has been through it.  my doctor has never even given birth natural..   I just think its messed up that my mother has made this somehow all about her.  She drives me out of my mind sometimes, trying to rule my whole damn life.  This totally sucks now, because I don't want to go through labor and have to worry about hurting my moms feelings because Im taking away from HER special day.  I wish she would act like she actually cared what I thought about something for one damn moment.  If I don't listen to her and do what she thinks needs to happen, then Im a selfish bitch.  Im sick of her guilt trips.  Im sick of her making me feel like crap.  Sometimes I just want to move to another state again so I can make my own decisions for once without her breathing down my neck, barking orders about this and that.  I can't take it anymore. 

Am I wrong to feel this way??? 

all alone!

Well work today is a little different than usual.  I am completely alone!  Well... the dude is here fixing the air conditioning, but other than that.. NOBODY   This never happens.  However most of the guys went to some big meeting that won't be over until the end of the day, Simo is working from home, and Casey is in disney world.  

I am totally taking advantage of this opportunity to play games online all day.  I have even been thinking about playing some pool!

The storms were pretty crazy last night, but they didn't scare me as much as they should have I suppose.  Jake was all into it, like watching the weather and waking up in the night to check again.. but I wasn't nervous at all.  I love storms and lightning so I had a great nights sleep just listening to it pour down.  It made me think back to camp in like eight grade when I was put in a cabin with two girls from Kansas.  One night it started storming and I loved it!  It was so relaxing, and I loved how loud you could hear it through the cabin walls.  However, the two girls from Kansas were freaking out the whole night, crying and huddled in a ball.  I asked them why they were so afraid and they told me that any time it thunderstorms there is almost always a tornado.  I guess maybe thats why thunderstorms don't scare me at all... because I have never been in a really bad one that ripped apart my home.  Once in third grade there was one really close and we had to sit in the boys stinky bathroom for three hours, but thats pretty much it.  I think it frustrated Jake a little that I didn't really care, but hey, whats the point of worrying anyways?  If a tornado came while we were at our second floor apartment, Im pretty sure we would be screwed anyways.  Hiding in the bathtub probably wouldn't make that big of a difference.

Anyways... pregnancy update.  I now have heartburn all the time.  No matter what I eat, and its a lot more intense than before.  The baby always sits a weird way which causes a hard bump to kinda stick out on one side of my belly button. I like to poke it and try to figure out what it is and I think i've come to the conclusion that its a butt check, but who knows, im probably poking my pore child in the face!

Mandy has offered to be my birthing Coach which kinda made my mom mad I think.  She didn't openly say she was offended or anything, but I could tell she was by how her mood suddenly changed.  Its just that no one in my family (including my mom) has ever delivered a baby natural so theres no way she could help coach me through the pain.  I love my mom to death, but sometimes shes just too much.. so im afraid I might even have to kick her out of the room at one point! But i guess we will just see.  

I hate that nobody seems to think that I can deliver naturally, but all the women who seem to think I can't have never given birth natural before themselves. Its like they act like it isn't possible or something, even though women did it for thousands of years. I started out wanting to give birth natural simply because it was the birth method with the least amount of risk for the baby.  Now I want to do it even more just to prove everyone wrong! hah  Im not really that nervous for the contractions its the crowning that is the scariest for me, because its the most painful part. The good news is that at that point, only a couple more pushes and your done.  Im ready, bring it on!

Well i guess its back to "work" now...  

uh huh

Well have come to bring the sword
Quivering lips, do I blow the horn
To everything we could be and more
If I stand and lock or open the door
Is that wind blowing through the tops of trees?
Are the cars humming through the street?
The moment passes right through me
And the past is the only thing I see.

I wrestle with God all night long in my head,
And as hard as I try I cant forget what Jesus said.
Im grinding my teeth all night long in my head,
And my nerves are shattered again and again and again.

Sometimes at night on dark highways 
I pull the car over and listen for trains
With my hair blown out the window pane
I raise my voice, I scream and say; 
".. I struggle with all the energy 
That is powerfully inspired within me
With this I toil, for this I breathe,

for this i stomp my feet and sing

shwo shweepy

Im pretty much falling asleep at my desk right now as i type this... 

Im so bored.  

The house Jake and I really wanted sold to another person last week.  Im kinda sad.  I really liked it and considering we can't get a mortgage because Jake is self employed ( recently ) it was probably our only option.  Unless something else like that comes around here in the next month.

Im starting to think that we might be stuck in our small ass one bedroom apartment when the baby comes.  Its going to be so crowded considering not only would it be Jake, me and the baby, but also Diesel our hyper active, three legged dog.  We already feel cramped so I have no idea how its going to be.   We could get a two bedroom in july that would help a lot, and we could actually have a baby's room.  But the rent would be so much more.  Almost 800 dollars which is so freakin much.  I know we could do it, because thats about how much we would probably be paying for that house, but it would be tight and I hate throwing that much money away a month.  Plus we have to pay 200 dollars extra to switch.

I have a horrible case of nesting fever.. I am dying to put together something for the baby but it doesn't look like im going to get to.

I guess I shouldn't be so negative.  I think its the hormones.  I should just turn it over to God and let him do whats best for us.. However easier said than done sometimes.

I really want a caesar salad from Noodles and Company.