Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Someone please buy me this as a house warming gift.
its only 2,700 dollars...

Saturday, December 5, 2009


i don't know if im just crazy or something but...

i really want another baby!!
what should I do???

Monday, November 30, 2009


life is good.

pics of the new house to come when I finish painting and moving in!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

We cannot serve two masters. We CANNOT.
We cannot say that we are christians and love God with all our heart and also love the world. We must hate one and love the other.
Do you think that God sent his only son to die for us and suffer so that we can merely declare with our lips that we are christian and still turn away from him with our hearts.

We cannot be sucked into the world and what it wants us to believe is important.
Life is not about growing up, going to school, getting a job raising and family with a white picket fence. Its about Loving God and bringing Glory to God and nothing else.
It is about carrying our cross and following the one who IS and WAS and Always will be.

1) Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly either because it’s expected of them or because they like the people there. It’s what “good Christians” do.

2) Lukewarm people give money and time to the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it’s easy and safe to give, they do so.

3) Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right in conflict. They want to fit in both inside the church and outside of it. They care more about what people think of their actions than what God thinks of their heart.

4) Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want to be saved from the penalty for their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and are not truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them.

5) Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones. These people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all of his followers.

6) People rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion.

7) Lukewarm people love God, but they don’t love him with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much but that sort of devotion is only for pastors and missionaries and radicals.

8 ) Lukewarm people want pastors that will point out to them their gifts, but not pastors who will point out to them their sin.

9) Lukewarm people are continually concerned with safety and comfort. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.

Revelation 3:15-16 ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. 16 ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

he goes on to say: I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. 19 ‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.20 ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. 21 ‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 22 ‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

I hope that you are convicted by these things as I was. I am lukewarm and I do not want to be. Therefore Papa I ask that you make me like the Gold. Refine me so that I may become rich. Clothe me in white. Turn my soul away from its selfish desire and set it solely on you My God. For you are all that I need, all that I desire and I want to love you with all my HEART all my MIND and all my STRENGTH.

Let me hear your voice and open the door! Let me wash your feet with my hair and tears. Please lord let me sit with you. Open my ears so that I may hear and KNOW that you are God.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dear M and D

I wish you cared.

Monday, October 12, 2009


I have grown tired of my idleness.Jesus did not ask for a piece of myself but for the whole thing!I was not chosen to merely blend in and live in what is comfortable.what was I thinking when I prayed for a heart like his?? What was I expecting?Now Im sitting here with an anxious heart with no idea what is going on inside me. Why should I be surprised then when this life I now live is leaving me yearning for something else.The day I let him into my soul, he planted something in me that has been growing and has now ran out of room in the life i now lead.After all "faith without deeds is dead"
I ready lord. Im ready to stop talking for a minute and listen to what you want from me. Im ready to start believing in you. Which is the hardest part isn't it?Because to believe in you, is to disbelieve myself.


I love watching you grow.
Each day i swear I can't love you anymore, yet every day my heart seems stretched to a new capacity.
You make me want to try harder.
To be a better person.
To do things right for once.
To change


please don't let me mess this up.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Once again I am feeling less than grand.
I feel so much disappointment in myself for what seems no real reason at all.
I should be happy for many things, my daughter is exceeding any expectations I had had for her in the whole potty training process and Jake and I have seemed to "recharge" our relationship. (which I would like to add has been AMAZING)
However... I am still stuck in the hole of just "yuck"
I could blame it on... well lets not go there...
but I still think its more than just that.

I do still feel like I am being attacked spiritually because of the events of late, which makes me wonder... What am i so close to doing that would make "the evil one" come after me so strongly?

Am I close to accomplishing great things.. being used for great things?
Lets hope so.
But to be honest I just want to be DONE with this crap.

Today I found myself so near to just breaking down at work in my complete frustration.
There I said it.-------> SHHH don't tell my dad.
Its not that I don't have a good job. Some people might call me a fool because I have it so good.
My schedule is flexible. I work two days a week and have great insurance. Not to mention the many fusbal games I get to partake in.
But what people don't understand is I am a person of ambition.
I enjoy taking pride in what I do and to be honest I do not take pride in answering phones and cleaning up after my fellow employees. I want to feel like I REALLY matter to the company, like my opinion matters, like my ability matters..
The truth is, if I decided not to come in to work anymore not much would happen. Sure the office would not look as presentable as before and would require more from the others, but the auto attendant could be set back up and the show would go on.
I want a job where I am NEEDED.
I don't like feeling like my Dad is doing me a favor, I don't like feeling like I owe him something I cannot repay.
I don't like the fact that I don't even have a promotion to look forward to or to work towards. I am not taking classes, there is no hope of gaining a better, more important role in the company.
and that feels terrible to me.
I do not like the easy way out. I do not like easy money.. I like knowing that I earned every penny!
and I don't feel that way.

But I cannot leave because my family needs the insurance.
Because I need the flexible schedule.
So I am stuck feeling like a worthless pile a dung.

Papa, could you do me a favor.. and fix this somehow? I would appreciate it.


Thursday, September 17, 2009


So maddi has officially gone pee pee on the potty 3 times now : )


Saturday, September 12, 2009


Im really lonely today.
I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.
Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.
Sometimes I want to scream at you.
Most of the time Im confused by you.
yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.
you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.
I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.
If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.
ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.
I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....
normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.
My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.
You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.
plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.
Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.
they aren't very forgiving.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

you can't put God in a box stupid.

So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)
Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.
But then life pulled a quick one on me.
Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.
I just didn't understand.
Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.
more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.
i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...
"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.
"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..
and so on and so on...

Then I couldn't even talk to God.
I didn't want to.
I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.
I ran away from him.
I got angry at him for leaving me again.
for being silent.
for not explaining it to me.
for letting me be afraid.

Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.
She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.
"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."


Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?

I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.
and then he pulled a quick one on me.
but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.
Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.
All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.
He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.

And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "

but I trust you, lead the way.

Monday, August 24, 2009

maddi me

im in there somewhere right?? (im the one with brown hair of course)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

he loves us

if this doesnt at least make your eyes burn then you are a cyborg.

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Find More lyrics at
Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


my life is back to the same rhythm.
Im not sure I like it this way.
don't get me wrong.
I love my life.
I love my husband and my really goofy/weird/cute/crazy daughter.
but somedays I feel like im on auto pilot.

I was meant for adventure.
For change
And i don't always get much of that.
Maddison just pooped her pants and it is stinking the whole room up.
Im ready for her to be potty trained.. lllllooolll

Since I can't move somewhere to feed my need for change/adventure..
Im going to switch crafts this time.
Modern quilting.
yeah i know. sounds very grandma but if all goes well it will be awesome.
plus my spinning wheel is getting repaired so i need something grandma ish to do in the mean time.

p.s. I hate cleaning.
p.p.s. i really want a house so that Jake can build me my own art studio for all my crafts. I have far too many and its taking over Maddi's closet

Monday, August 3, 2009

Left and Leaving

Please enjoy the wolf during this song..

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who's left and who's leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

Friday, July 24, 2009


this is my favorite snack and I really really want it right now!
look how green and delicious!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

2 years

Today is Jake and I's 2nd anniversary and officially my longest relationship ever.. HA

Gotta be honest in that to say I still can't believe it sometimes.
There are days when I feel like God just completely replaced my heart when I came back from "my Journey" ... but maybe he did?
I am so different from then though.. and people who have known me from before and now continually tell me ALL the time.
Im not so changed though. I still get restless and compelled to do things that i technically shouldn't be compelled to do.. like give your husband hickies for example. I always thought hickies were trashy but for some reason the other night, it just seemed like the right thing to do. lol SORRY JAKE

Jake and I will be getting two days starting tomorrow evening of ALONE TIME
YES!!! We will be getting sushi and watching "UP" in 3D. Im very excited considering the last time I was at the movies was oh... 10 months ago??!!
and SUSHI! how I love thee...
lately I keep freaking out that Im pregnant again, that the IUD i had placed has somehow ..died I guess. This leaves me with moments of panic. What would I do if another baby came along so soon?? Cry most likely. I hate being pregnant, i need some more fetus free time.

Saturday we leave for Michigan for the week. Time to redo my tan, drink a little, sing a little, laugh A LOT, and get me some. HA
Im rambling about nothing important now. I just feel like I need to spew.. stuff.

oh and Maddi loves trying to kiss babies, its SOOOO CUTE!
but I can't find my camera and Im cramping like CRAZY. Just so you all know.

Friday, July 10, 2009


Work Work Work
Earn Earn Earn
Spend Spend Spend

Thursday, July 9, 2009


lately i've been craving ___ again.
all the time.
but its illegal and "wrong"...
so they say
and too expensive for anything good
but if it was sitting in front of me, i would take it.
and probably watch flight of the concords
or listen to the knife.
or go for a bike ride
or make smores and get it stuck in my hair
or think about how my parents backyard reminds me of florida from a certain angle
then I would probably want a bubble bath, but then regret it once I got in and realized that baths are really boring.
so I would paint my toenails instead
but then decide that I would rather make corn bread so that I could get an "apple bottom"
then remember that it would just go to my hips and look more like a "pear".
"well screw pears!" i would say
but i love corn bread so I would smother it with butter and eat it anyways. All of it.
Then I would talk myself into believing it not too late for me to be on SYTYCD
knowing in my heart that I have the passion and emotions in me to make everyone cry when I danced to one of Mia Michaels dances.

it doesn't matter what I would do if i was ___
because its illegal and "wrong"..
so they say.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

a couple more pics..

ummm delicious??

First day walking

Maddi finally decided to venture out and take her first steps. She hasn't completely mastered it enough to go father than a few feet at a time but she is only 10 months and has plenty of time to practice before her first birthday : )
Zorro is way more interesting than mom

Such concentration!
Oh the excitement! hah

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I can't sleep tonight because there is too much on my mind.
Yet nothing at all.
I can't focus.

Im afraid I don't know my sister anymore and that I won't be able to find her.
I miss her smile
her laugh
her love

I don't know how Im feeling exactly
I wish I wasn't so anxious about this sort of thing.

I should try to sleep
I love you jake and Im really going to miss you this week.
You are truly my better half.... 
I know.. cheesy

Monday, June 8, 2009

Im not sad

I just really like his song writing.

Poor little rose, beaten by the rain
In the wind, in the gale, thunder and the hail 
Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane 
Without the numbness or the pain so intense to feel
'Specially now it added up through the years 

And I, I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's broke
I taught myself how to grow old

Most of the times I got nothing to say 
When I do it's nothing and nobody's there to listen anyway 
I know I'm probably better off this way 
I just listen to the voices on the TV 'til I'm tired 
My eyes grow heavy and I fade away 

'Cause I, I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
Though I was crooked on the outside 

I taught myself how to grow 
Without any love and there was poison in the rain 
I taught myself how to grow 
'Til I was crooked on the outside, inside's caved

Crooked on the outside, inside's caved 
Crooked on the outside, inside is caved 
I taught myself how to grow old

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


im so tired of these restless legs that refuse to move
I wait and wait for a reason but 
just make excuses for sleep

I sleep while moving
painting pictures behind sealed eyelids
I get stuck in time 
while everything is still moving
and I can't decide whats best for you me

Sometimes i wake up smelling blueberry muffins
Does that mean I miss the country?
I want to make something of this picture
but I keep smearing the lines

I want to change the world
I want to save _____
but I can't catch my breath
and my pulse is slower than than...

my floor moves like the water
I like to watch the ripples under your feet
but the water is still beneath mine
and i can't figure out why..

They always said I had a wild imagination
Sometimes I can't tell the difference

 I always shuffle my feet
so that I remember to stay on the ground
but I am always up above the city lights
looking for my direction
and there you are.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Maddison officially is into everything and is everywhere.  I made the mistake of letting her sit on the balcony with me while I planted flowers, only to glance over and see a beautiful ring of dirt around her mouth.

A little while later I had to take her to work with me because my mother was unavailable... she was sitting on the floor  for .039 seconds by my desk before I looked down to see her chewing on something... a dirty penny. I then proceeded to freak out at how dirty it was and attempt to pour water in her mouth to wash it out.. however she just drank the water and defeated the purpose..

Yesterday I put her on the floor with some toys in my room while I looked in my closet for something to wear... looking over I noticed her moving in to lick an outlet, pulling her away at the last second ( my room is not baby proofed ) 

despite the latest "scares" I am very happy about where I am in my life.  I think i struggled for a while... missing my rambling days, but I've realized that what I have not everyone gets to experience and I am so lucky to have it.  I love my daughter more and more everyday and its almost scary.  I remember thinking before that I was not looking forward to taking my kids to the kiddy park all day watching them ride those dumb rides... until i went to kingsisland...  I looked around and anytime I saw a blonde  little three year old girl I missed my Maddi and got excited thinking about her big smile as she went around in circles on the scooby doo ride.
I love being a mom.  
I love the way she loves me all the time. 
I love how she can recognize my voice even when she is in the middle of a nap upstairs.
I love how she likes to cuddle with me and try and put her fingers up my nose.
I love scooping her up and comforting her when she falls down.
I love when she lets out big farts and then claps her hands afterwards
I love when she purposefully drops food on the floor for the dog to eat
I love when she starts cracking up for being naked right before a bath

I love learning her. Watching her personality bloom with each passing month. There is no way I could ever explain what its like to be a parent to anyone who isn't one.  When i look at her, I don't understand how anyone could harm a child/ baby , especially their own.  I can't even fathom the kind of love God has for us if it is really more than I have for my daughter.. and I know it is.

I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with in my life. Im so glad that God has delivered me from the old and made me his "new".  I can't even imagine where I would be if I had never gotten away from the path I was on.  I never would have thought I would want the life I have now.. as if it would be too boring.. meant for when you are older and done having an actual life.  But I feel like I am finally really living.  Old desires have been replaced with new ones, my heart has been changed so dramatically that most people who knew me from before don't recognize me anymore. 
If I could give anyone any advice at all... it would be to just stop trying.  Stop trying to find happiness, the perfect lover, the perfect friend, the perfect job, etc.  And just let God do it for you.  he has your best in mind, and ONLY the best.
Im not saying this to be cheesy or overly romantic or something but the God honest truth.. When I came back from Florida, the first night in bed I prayed that God take over my life.  That I needed the next man I let in my life to be the one he had planned for me because i was not strong enough to guard my heart.   THE HONEST TRUTH.. the next man I met was Jake, and I had even forgotten the request I had made to God until the night before we got married.

There are so many times when i go back to trying to do everything myself and I usually get overwhelmed and beaten down.  Its not until I let God handle everything for me, that I trust that he does have my best in mind and will not forsake me, do I really live the way my heart truly desires. 

Sunday, May 10, 2009

i really like manchester orchestra

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a 
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
I'm ? with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the 
curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my 
teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a 
painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

Thursday, April 30, 2009


Everybody seems so inspired lately.  Im not. Maybe thats a good thing?

Sometimes my family upsets me.  Why so angry all the time? 

Haley, I wish you were still small, innocent and sweet.  I liked it that way and I never appreciated it like I should have.

Dad.. you are funny sometimes, and sometimes when you get drunk and yell vagina, balls and zombie really loud its embarrassing....  its still a little funny though.

Mom, I wish you could forgive.
and forget. 
and sometimes I wish you talked to me like your daughter, not your friend, because there are some things I don't think I need to know about because I have enough issues to deal with on my own.

Lord, I really hope you healed my sister tonight like you did me. Im so proud that she had the courage to try and eat bread and I hope that it was you who gave her the courage for a reason. I don't want her to be sick any more and I definitely don't want her to be sick if I am well.

Also.... It would be really cool if you could help me find my journal.  I really miss it and I have a lot to say.

I love you 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I wish
I could explain how i've been feeling lately.
unmotivated ?
sometimes I think Im jealous of where your life is taking you even though i'm a part of it.
I guess its because 
while I follow the same pattern day after day,
your life is always changing.
something new is always waiting for you.
I can't help that I don't want you to leave me behind sometimes.

I wish you could see that.
Sometimes I think it makes me kind of crazy.
I've been forgetting things.
I can't help but wonder if Im slowly being pushed out
or at least to the back of the line.
when we meet its explosive
but when we are apart i feel like an addict
out of cash.

My heart is guilty for the times I wish things were different
that we could sail away just the two of us
but we can't and I understand that.
and because of her, Im okay with that too.

I do get angry sometimes though
angry that you missed out
that you weren't there to see her stand with no hands
or laugh so hard time stopped for a moment
I know you care
but sometimes it feels like only after everything else.

I know you have your passions that you want to pursue
how could I hold you back?
but what happens when you are mine?

sometimes it feels like this all snuck up on me
and I guess Im still adjusting.
I guess people make sacrifices for the ones they love,
but when will we sacrifice FOR love?

anyways, I just want you to know that im sorry
and Im trying
and... I just miss you is all.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Enemy is real

I always thought when I was younger, that  when you were a christian, things got better for you. Which is why I had so much heart ache and anger for God... so much confusion... so many nights crying out "why me Lord, why do I deserve this sort of life??"
I did not realize how desperately the enemy wanted my soul, that he would not quit so easily. I didn't realize that becoming a christian doesn't put some sort of protective bubble around you life, if anything you become a bigger target to the enemy.  Do you think that people living in anger, hate, drugs, violence etc are at greater risk to the evil one than you?? You would be mistaken, the evil one knows they are stuck in their sin, which will bring evil of its own, but those who are falling away from the evil in their lives... they are the real threats.

The hardest for me as of late is dealing with the consequence for getting closer to God.  The attacks from the enemy are so much stronger and more powerful.  Two weeks after being healed I started getting all my symptoms back.  I was filled with fear and at that moment I doubted.  After much prayer and few conversations with God, I Realized that even as strong as the enemy felt in my life at the time, my God was stronger and my symptoms once again were gone.  I am still healed.

Two days after my vision I was attacked again.  I was sad/angry/fearful for what seemed... no reason at all.  My weird compulsive things that seemed to have been under control  for a while, suddenly came back in full force.  The enemy was not ready to surrender, so once again I returned to prayer and the word. I drowned myself in worship music.  There was a battle ragging inside of me, yet I knew my God would not forsake me.

I guess what I want to tell everyone that being a christian is not a stroll in the park!  God speaks to us constantly.  Sometimes he tells us things like "you should give that person a hug" or "you need to apologize"... little things like that, and sometimes you listen to that voice or sometimes you ignore it.  But know this:
The more you listen to God, the more you trust in him and his word, the more he entrusts to you. The more your relationship with him grows and the more amazing it is! Yet, with it comes the battle, so be ready my friends to fight.  but rest assured that the Lord will not abandon you, he will lift you on the wings of eagles and carry you above the storm. 
Have faith, all is not lost!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Yesterday I had my first "vision"
During the worship at house church, someone was talking of God's love. With my eyes tightly closed and my mind focused on him, I asked "God, is that how you feel about me?.. How do you feel about me?"  A few moments later I saw myself being wrapped with a large ribbon.  It flowed around my body wearing the most beautiful color of pink and orange and gold all put together and it almost seemed to glow.  As I saw this the words were spoken to my heart " You are precious, You are MY precious" and the ribbon twirled around me squeezing me almost with an overwhelming love and comfort I could never put into words.  
Then I saw the same ribbon start to wisp around like it was a spirit of its own. It was flying back and forth and twirling like the tail on a kite and I could feel my soul flying free as if it was me flying around, dancing almost to the joy in my heart.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced and I wish that I could show it to you, but I guess this is the best I can do.  I know now that I have crossed the line, and God will continue to speak to me.  
My soul has finally listened to the holy spirit or as I like to call him (cousin ) and has also chosen to trust.  
Thank you for this gift Lord.

Monday, April 6, 2009

house church

I am really excited because tonight is the "Chris Johnson" church group.
I go to two different house churches alternating mondays. I love my other group because I enjoy talking about God with other people my age and building the relationships, but I LOVE Chris Johnsons group because of the undeniable presence of God that seems to radiate the room each gathering.
This is the group where I received my healing actually.  Every single person there is totally on fire for God and its amazing.  Everything was so different than anything I have ever experienced in a house church.  

The first time I went I have to be honest... I was extremely uncomfortable. Late as usual, I walk into a room where a man is playing some chords on guitar and  everyone seems to be ab-libbing their own worship lyrics.whooooaaa...
  I of course sit down and start squirming around in my seat, lips sealed refusing to participate in such strange worship and look around the room at all of these "charismatic" people.  So what did I see all around the room?? 
Joy. pure, undeniable joy, as if they could actually see the face of God behind their tightly closed eyelids. It was actually as if they were all stoned actually, or drunk. A few people would just start cracking up for no apparent reason even.  And as uncomfortable as I felt, I couldn't help but be completely jealous of every single one of them.

The next time I went, I decided that I was not only going to get there on time(ha!) but I was going to try my hardest to go along with this weird form of worship. Luckily for me the group was smaller, which worked well for my introverted personality. Once we started I said (to myself) "okay God, i want what they have" and I closed my eyes and followed along with the rest. I tried my best to focus completely on God and instead of how ridiculous I felt and I couldn't believe the results.  We started the chorus of a regular song (okay this is more like it) and then just went off and it was strangely... not uncomfortable all all.  I couldn't believe I was doing it and I could feel it coming straight from heart, and It was as if I could feel God smiling upon me with approval.  Then I continued to surprise myself as I added in different hand clap beats.. (WHAT??) it was awesome. everyone added in their little bit and it all came together so beautifully as if we had planned it to be that way.
I realized that the reason it was so beautiful and amazing to me was because I was TRULY worshiping God from the depth of my heart.  There was nothing special about what I or anyone in that room was doing or saying, only that we were all giving ourselves completely to God.
The funny thing about it was that it kinda was like being high almost... but better.  I've done many drugs in my life and NONE of the highs I've ever gotten (or enjoyed) have ever been quite like what I experienced that day.  There was so much happiness pulsing through my veins that I think someone could have punched me square in the face and I would have just laughed and given them a hug.

Now if only I could master KEEPING that feeling going.... Yes then it would be so much easier to deal with all this crap.
well... its a work in progress

Im ready another God high.  HIT ME WITH THE JOY BUS LORD!

Friday, April 3, 2009



Thursday, March 26, 2009



Sunday, March 22, 2009

I don't usually do this..

But I have to get it off my chest so I can breathe a little easier.

It's not fair that your bullshit is having a physical effect on me.
My stomach is twisted in knots even though I feel almost emotionless at times.
I can't say I didn't see it coming, but I guess I thought maybe someday you would practice what you preached.
The best part of it all is that you think I have no idea.  You walk around have dead, lost in space, using my time as a distraction from your crumbling state of being.. shrugging it off as "business stress".
Do you not think I know you better than that.    It hurts

You never bothered to keep your anger and frustration hidden growing up, so why such the front now? Is it the new image you have worked on attaining over the years too much for you to risk losing?
I knew the way I see you would change over time, but I guess I always thought it would be better as I matured and got closer to "your level of thinking" if you will.  However it's been almost the complete opposite. I feel like a child being told the truth about Santa for the first time, as if Im mourning your death or something.

so tell me please, how much longer will we all pretend that everything isn't falling apart? When can we be real with each other? I can't watch her hurt like this anymore. Your cruel waiting game of sharp words and mixed signals have taken their toll. Maybe I am a fool for thinking you could be more of a man than you are the majority of the time.

Things don't have to be the way they are, but you have to be willing to do something about it, instead of waiting for things to change themselves.
This is where things must stop. for me anyways.  I don't want to be trapped in the sin of my generations any longer.

ALSO,despite how it might seem....I do still love you.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


someone please buy this for me

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Friday, March 6, 2009


there was this one time... where I was the angry chic that got hit by a car.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Latest Dream..

There is something strange about my dreams.  At first I thought maybe I just have such vivid strange dreams because Im weird and imaginative.  However, as of late I can't help but feel like there is something else. SOmething spiritual to them.   I used to have a reoccurring dream of two dimensions.  I would be in one world but could look up and see another world almost in a giant bubble or something.  I could pass between these dimensions and live in either world but I would have to leave one of them behind.  Each had different people, things lifestyles etc.  
Then I stopped having those dreams and ever since my dreams are flooded with water.  No matter what I dream (they are always different) there is always water waist high in them.  Its not frightening or threatening in anyway, but more of a bother.  I am always trying to go along with my life, but the water will slow me down.  yet no one else seems to notice it but me.
About four days ago I had a very strange, powerful, vivid dream and I feel like it carries a meaning which I know in my heart but still don't want to accept or acknowledge.  Here is my dream and if you feel like you would like to interpret your ideas.. go ahead.

I don't remember the whole entirety but here is the main ..idea i guess

Im in a random building with familiar people from my life.  Nothing seems really different accept the flood that surrounds everything, but no one but me seems to notice. Its calm for the most part and a dark blue color. Also I am clutching a tiny Mixed baby in my arms.  I have no idea why, who she is or anything but I feel like I need to hold her.  I carry her around while she sleeps and seem to go about my day.  Then I stop and look down at her.  She has awoken and has opened her eyes, staring at me.  She is so beautiful.  Suddenly though I look away and when I look back the baby is gone and in my hands instead is a snake.  The snake starts to bite at my hands and tighten its body around my limbs.  I fight the snake but I refuse to let it go.  Though it is hurting me, I feel like I must hold on to it.  Then Tavio ( The pastor of my church ) shows up and he sees the snake hurting me.  He tells me that I must get rid of the snake but I still refuse.  I go on awhile battling this snake while Tavio continues to tell me to kill the snake.   Finally he shows me Dogs outside tied up to the side of a building.  I throw the snake to them and they bang it and tear it apart.  The water flows faster and is a brown color now.  I have a strange feeling of sadness and relief all at the same time. However I am most happy about getting the snake out of my life.