lately

Maddison officially is into everything and is everywhere.  I made the mistake of letting her sit on the balcony with me while I planted flowers, only to glance over and see a beautiful ring of dirt around her mouth.

A little while later I had to take her to work with me because my mother was unavailable... she was sitting on the floor  for .039 seconds by my desk before I looked down to see her chewing on something... a dirty penny. I then proceeded to freak out at how dirty it was and attempt to pour water in her mouth to wash it out.. however she just drank the water and defeated the purpose..

Yesterday I put her on the floor with some toys in my room while I looked in my closet for something to wear... looking over I noticed her moving in to lick an outlet, pulling her away at the last second ( my room is not baby proofed ) 

despite the latest "scares" I am very happy about where I am in my life.  I think i struggled for a while... missing my rambling days, but I've realized that what I have not everyone gets to experience and I am so lucky to have it.  I love my daughter more and more everyday and its almost scary.  I remember thinking before that I was not looking forward to taking my kids to the kiddy park all day watching them ride those dumb rides... until i went to kingsisland...  I looked around and anytime I saw a blonde  little three year old girl I missed my Maddi and got excited thinking about her big smile as she went around in circles on the scooby doo ride.

I love being a mom.  

I love the way she loves me all the time. 

I love how she can recognize my voice even when she is in the middle of a nap upstairs.

I love how she likes to cuddle with me and try and put her fingers up my nose.

I love scooping her up and comforting her when she falls down.

I love when she lets out big farts and then claps her hands afterwards

I love when she purposefully drops food on the floor for the dog to eat

I love when she starts cracking up for being naked right before a bath

I love learning her. Watching her personality bloom with each passing month. There is no way I could ever explain what its like to be a parent to anyone who isn't one.  When i look at her, I don't understand how anyone could harm a child/ baby , especially their own.  I can't even fathom the kind of love God has for us if it is really more than I have for my daughter.. and I know it is.

I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with in my life. Im so glad that God has delivered me from the old and made me his "new".  I can't even imagine where I would be if I had never gotten away from the path I was on.  I never would have thought I would want the life I have now.. as if it would be too boring.. meant for when you are older and done having an actual life.  But I feel like I am finally really living.  Old desires have been replaced with new ones, my heart has been changed so dramatically that most people who knew me from before don't recognize me anymore. 

If I could give anyone any advice at all... it would be to just stop trying.  Stop trying to find happiness, the perfect lover, the perfect friend, the perfect job, etc.  And just let God do it for you.  he has your best in mind, and ONLY the best.

Im not saying this to be cheesy or overly romantic or something but the God honest truth.. When I came back from Florida, the first night in bed I prayed that God take over my life.  That I needed the next man I let in my life to be the one he had planned for me because i was not strong enough to guard my heart.   THE HONEST TRUTH.. the next man I met was Jake, and I had even forgotten the request I had made to God until the night before we got married.

There are so many times when i go back to trying to do everything myself and I usually get overwhelmed and beaten down.  Its not until I let God handle everything for me, that I trust that he does have my best in mind and will not forsake me, do I really live the way my heart truly desires.