So lately I have been going through A LOT of garbage ( in my mind mostly)
Everything was great. Great Husband, awesome daughter. my sister and I were both healed... Awesome.
But then life pulled a quick one on me.
Haley got sick. And its bad. Could be Celiac again, but it could also be something else. Could be worse.
I just didn't understand.
"GOD I THOUGH WE WERE HEALED, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER? HASN'T SHE HAD TO DEAL WITH SICKNESS LONG ENOUGH??"
--silence--
Then i started really worrying. Issues relationally came up with the Family.
"GOD. ABBA. PAPPA. WHERE ARE YOU? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATS GOING ON. WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS?"
--silence--
"WELL WHAT IF SHE STOPS BELIEVING IN YOU LORD?"
--silence--
"WELL...WHAT IF HER BOYFRIEND NEVER FINDS YOU BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FIX THINGS."
--silence--
more doctor visits. more fighting. more stress. more more mess.
i thought of every reason I could as to why she was sick again...
"Maybe she is making bad choices and she is getting punished."--- no i don't think God works like that.
"Well maybe satan is attacking her because is a lame-o" --- who knows..
and so on and so on...
Then I couldn't even talk to God.
I didn't want to.
I tried but the words wouldn't leave my lips. i couldn't even think them. I did other things instead.
I ran away from him.
I got angry at him for leaving me again.
for being silent.
for not explaining it to me.
for letting me be afraid.
Then I talked to Cindy. with my sister. She listened to our thoughts of what was going on.
She told me something... that seems soo simple, yet i didn't even think about.
"God is confusing. We will NEVER understand him."
wow.
Some people would say this is a lame excuse but.. its true. We are human and he is God. I cannot figure out why my HUSBAND does certain things.. how can I possibly understand why the God of the universe does what he does. The God who made the skies with a simple word and who saved me from destruction. Who am I to understand these things?
I realized i was soo angry because I thought i had him figured out. I had him in a box in a way. I had gotten what i needed from him.. and had tucked him safely away.
and then he pulled a quick one on me.
but you know what? Im glad he did. Im glad I can't figure him out. Im glad that I have a relationship with a God who isn't boring, who is so deep that I can go my whole life learning new things about him every day, and still Not know even 100th of who he is. Shame on me for thinking there was a chance I could find all the answers.
Whatever is happening to Haley.. God knows why. perhaps he simply wants to know "will you still love me? Will you still trust me?" maybe its something else.
All i know.. is that whatever it is, it does not change who HE is.
He is still good. He is still the truth. he still knows every hair on my head.
And now I can rest in that, no matter what happens. And sometimes its okay to say " i don't know why this happened, I don't understand you God. "
but I trust you, lead the way.
