Saturday, September 12, 2009

I feel like everything has to suck at once.

Im going to be completely honest with you right now.
Sometimes I get worn out believing in you.
Sometimes I want to scream at you.
Most of the time Im confused by you.
yet.. all the time I love you.

Today im exhausted.
you feel miles away and even if you were here right now Im not sure I would feel like talking.
I don't even know exactly what it is im so upset about but I feel like everything is breaking around me.
If this is a "spiritual attack"-- the devil can kiss my sweet apple-more like a pear-- bottom.

I kinda have this feeling that you are purposefully making everyone fail me emotionally in some way so that I come to you.
ughhhh don't you have ten bazillion other souls to care about? Can't you see im sulking in self pity??

Im supposed to be playing violin tomorrow at church but im not going to.
I feel like it would just be one more chance to fail everyone again.

Speaking of everyone-- they all seem to think im playing farm town, little do they know, I am spewing my wrecked soul into the abyss of the interweb....
normally i would not choose to share this with anyone but instead scribble my thoughts into my journal at home. however, I am not at home and I couldn't stand the buildup in my chest anymore.

but then again, who really reads this anyways.
My husband doesn't even read it. Occasionally he will find it somehow however and ask why I never told him anything.. so Jake if you read this. and wonder why I didn't tell you.
You just seemed really busy and I didn't want to bother you.
plus you didn't ask.

im not sure exactly how to end this...

perhaps just a word of advice.
Never order the chicken mariachi pizza from Donatos with extra jalapenos.
they aren't very forgiving.