whats been up?

I have no real good excuse for not posting anything lately except for the fact that I am lazy and have let my nails grow so long that it makes it hard to type...

However today I feel like sharing my thoughts, though they probably aren't that interesting.

I can't even describe the way I feel lately... everything is so surreal.  I am technically a mom, and though I take care of Maddy like a Mom should... I still don't FEEL like a mom.  I suppose I just haven't gotten used to the word yet.  I probably won't until its repeated daily in attempts of getting my attention, or when I stick my first mothers day fingerpaint/macaroni card on the fridge.  Im still afraid of being a mom.  I feel so much pressure.  I don't want to screw my children up and I NEVER want to drive a mini van.  I guess its just hard for me to imagine doing all the things my mother does/did for me.  I don't want to have to worry about cleaning up, making dinner, going to parent teacher meetings, cleaning up puke, wiping poopy butts, changing peed on sheets in the middle of the night... However I never wanted to push a person out of my vagina or wake up every two- three hours either, but I do it.. and I somehow its okay.  I guess love changes you.  Love must be what powers mom's to do the things they never thought they could see themselves doing. 

Another reason being a mom terrifies me is because having a child.. is like having your heart out in the open running around.  I find my self so worrisome over her, afraid of how I will deal with these fears as she grows up and I can't completely protect her.

Thats the bad part about loving someone, not just your children.  I think I knew I truly loved Jake with all my heart when i thought about him being gone.  The thought of something happening to him filled me with such a sense of fear and dread that I had to pray right away that nothing would happen and that God would calm me down inside.  I remember me or my friends saying things like.. "I don't know what I would do without him." or whatever, when referring to Bf's but this is totally different than that.  This is genuinely not knowing what you would possibly do without this person.. being able to cry right then and there at the mere thought.

Having a little sister has already given me a glimpse of how my heart is going to ache with worry and fear when my daughter is a teen...

She has told me about things she is doing that scare me.  They scare me because I was there and I know what can happen or what WILL happen and I don't want those things for her.  I am scared thinking about her friends learning how to drive and how she will be off riding around with immature kids and could possibly be in a car crash..... I feel bad for how I must have made my parents worry and im really afraid of karma biting me in the ass. hah

Anyways...on a lesser deep moment I have to be honest about something else.......

I really want to have sex with Jake.... but I can't because of this damn 6 week after having a baby crap.  It really sucks, I have felt fine for weeks but they tell you not to so im waiting...

I almost just said hell with it and did it anyways, but then i got scared thinking that Bridget (mr doctor) would find out from the exam.  I don't know what I expect she would do if she could tell... its not like she would slap me in the face or ground me or something, but I still find myself too afraid to try. hah  

It just sucks.. Jake and I used to do "it" every single day until I got pregnant and hormones started messing with me.. now that im not pregnant  again Im back to my old sex addicted self 

(I'm married, I can be a nymph if I want! )  

Whats worse is I've been reading these books my mom gave me and they are all pretty steamy which is totally not helping!!!!

ahhhhggg

the end