Dear Tara

Your latest post caused me to think about my life, about the way I am.  Whether you were talking to me at all in there or not, I am the person you described.  I would be the typical person who's response would be, " I am just an introvert with trust issues".  I sit back sometimes and wonder why I don't have deep relationships anymore other than my husband and realize I haven't had one for years.  I have to ask myself why not??

Sometimes I think that I have hidden myself away for so long, letting no one else really truly know me, that I don't even know how to go about having that sort of relationship with anyone anymore.  I feel sorry for anyone who has ever tried to be my friend.  I feel like people might think im not interested when really Im dying for their friendship.

I've spent so long ignoring the fact, refusing to talk about it because of the embarrassment of having to admit to myself and others, that I don't have any REAL friends.

There is probably two or three people I have close to being that, but not quite and I know its my fault.  Why am I so intimidated by friendship if I desire it so much?  How do I go about changing?

I used to blame it all on my phone phobia's...but now I know its more than that.  I have a bigger fear deep down somewhere, and  I don't know how to break through that.  How long will I sit and wait for people to pursue my friendship? Thats not fair, and I shouldn't be so hurt when they don't come.

I just wish  I could stop being so ashamed of myself.. ashamed of what I used to be and move on but somehow I can't.  Sometimes I think I will always feel that I am not good enough for a deep friendship with good people. 

I wish I could stop worrying constantly if I am going to scare people away and be comfortable believing that someone (other than Jake) could find something worth liking in me, despite everything else, but the fear is always there.