She brought it up by saying "Did you even think to ask Jake before you asked Mandy to be there??" I was like.. umm yeah and he doesn't care. and she was like "well i bet it probably really bothers him and he just doesn't want to say anything." Im like.. No mom, he doesn't care. He understands that I am going to be going through a lot and wants me to do what I think is best. I was like.. I think its bothering you not him. Then she was like "I just think its bullshit" I couldn't believe it. I was like, how is it bull shit that I want to have someone there to help me know what to do??? and shes like... "you are so selfish all the time. This was important to me and you made it all shit now" Im like.. wtf??? This isn't about YOU. I am the one who has to push a damn human being out of me and you are calling me selfish because I want someone to help me?? " Every woman that would be around has had a baby and you could just use the doctor for help" Im like no mom, you don't get it the doctor doesn't coach you.. they do what they have to do and thats it. And no one in our whole family whos still alive has ever given birth naturally and its completely different.
Anyways... I will stop reciting all that went on but it went on for a while and involved a lot of screaming. I was soo mad at her, I can't even explain it. Then she asked me why the hell I was giving birth naturally anyways.
I mean maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that it should be my decision what I do. I want to feel comfortable when its time to do this, and have someone there who has been through it. my doctor has never even given birth natural.. I just think its messed up that my mother has made this somehow all about her. She drives me out of my mind sometimes, trying to rule my whole damn life. This totally sucks now, because I don't want to go through labor and have to worry about hurting my moms feelings because Im taking away from HER special day. I wish she would act like she actually cared what I thought about something for one damn moment. If I don't listen to her and do what she thinks needs to happen, then Im a selfish bitch. Im sick of her guilt trips. Im sick of her making me feel like crap. Sometimes I just want to move to another state again so I can make my own decisions for once without her breathing down my neck, barking orders about this and that. I can't take it anymore.
Am I wrong to feel this way???
No comments:
Post a Comment