Compulsion

I just got finished writing the latest entry for "my story"  I kinda wish that it read the other way... like my latest entry at the bottom ya know?  However I don't know if you can change that, and if so i have no idea how... but whatever.  Hopefully those who read it, will read it in the correct order, otherwise they will be really confused.

Anyways, I finished writing the latest one  "The Change".  I didn't realize how much I had pushed those feelings away from that day, and i had no idea the impact the words would have on me now.  Even when I told some part of my story, I never went into such detail so now that its all there, it brings back everything.  I suddenly am afraid to continue because of this but I know I have to.  If not for someone else, for me. I just have the overwhelming sense of shame drilled deep to my bones again and Im finding the feeling hard to shake.  I kinda hate how long I know this is going to take.  Its like I want to skip this section and get to the next phase because this is the part I hated the most while I was there.

I had another weird dream last night.

Everything was in water.. but not completely.  The buildings were only the skeletal beams and they were huge and in all different shapes and sizes.  There was no where to go except on the beams, which were in the water that seemed to be getting higher and higher.  In fact, we must have been in the ocean because of the way the water rocked back and forth.

Jake was there but then he wasn't.

I kept losing him and it seemed he was angry with me.  I was scared because deep water freaks me out, but I wanted to find him so I climbed the large beams in a desperate search.

Every now and then I would see familiar faces, but i don't remember anymore who they were. They would just be standing there, staring off into the distance, or just walk past me.

Then suddenly I went into labor and it was hard to move, but I could see Jake now.

He was standing at the end of a long road of beams.  They were put together like boxes spaced slightly apart from each other.  I started going after him but the waves were getting high and strong and I found it hard to keep a grip on the thick beams.  Also the pains were getting worse and i had to basically crawl to get to him.  I finally made it to him but he refused to look at me and then I woke up.

It makes no sense to me. We didn't get in a fight about anything.. I have no idea what its supposed to mean, if anything.

Needles

Today I have to get my blood drawn to see if I have gestational diabetes.  My sister gave me some of her numbing cream so maybe that will help.  It still sucks and Im still freaked out though.  I  think God made me afraid of needles near my veins so that I would never be an heroin addict during my drug phase.

Last night i had a dream that I thought I was going into labor, but when i looked down I saw that my baby was coming through my skin... like hatching out of my stomach.  I told Jake to take me to the hospital but he told me it was normal and I was fine.  I didn't know how to cut the cord so I freaked out again and it just dried up and fell off.  I had a girl.  Then I woke up to pee.   When I fell back asleep I had another dream that I was in some fancy city outside of a bakery.  I was about to walk in when I saw Tara standing on the side of the building.  Then we both went in and got a giant piece of cheesecake and I told her about my baby dream.  She said it was awesome and then I woke up.

I decided to play violin again.

P.s.  I decided that I am going to start a new blog.. but its going to be about my time in florida.  Lately I just feel like i need to write it down.  Its like i'm afraid I will forget after a while... I feel like it needs to be out there.  Like people should know.  Its not going to be easy.  Its going to take a while and its going to show some of you the old me that you never knew.  Its my story.

twenty seven

27 weeks pregnant... do you realize what this means?  In 13 weeks I am going to be a mother.  only 13 weeks!  I remember thinking it was taking forever.  Don't get me wrong, Im really tired of being pregnant.. Nine months is waaay too long in my opinion, but man... 13 weeks and  my life will never be the same again. 

I wonder how I'm going to feel.  Its still hard for me to imagine what a mothers love feels like.  I love babies and little kids.. but after about 7 or so they start to drive me nuts.  It sounds horrible but its hard for me to imagine loving this kid after that point.  I don't know why... I guess its because this little dude or dudette is still a complete stranger to me.  This little thing is going to come out loving me for no reason at all.. and thats cool to know.  But that in itself bring on even more added pressure.  Its going to need me more than anyone else ever has.  This little person is going to grow up and become somebody based on the way Jake and I take care of him/her.  My actions from the time it comes screaming out on, will have an impact on his/her life in some way.  

It will be sooo easy for me to screw it up.

I wonder if I will change.  I wonder if my free spirit will still be there or if I will be consumed with motherly duties.  What if i start adding eys and oeys to everything I say, or I start recording the baby doing nothing for hours like my mother did... 

From one of my favorite books...

There is a place where the sidewalk ends

and before the street begins,

and there the grass grows soft and white

and there the sun burns crimson bright

and there the moon-bird rests from his flight

to cool in the peppermint wind

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black

and the dark street winds and bends

past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow

we shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow

and watch where the chalk-white arrows go

to the place where the sidewalk ends

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow

and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go

for the children, they mark, and the children, they know

the place where the sidewalk ends.

Shel silverstein

Jake and I had a  fight last night.  It went like this...

Actually it was nothing like that at all.  It was lame and Jake slept on the couch for most the night.

I copied you Megan because I love this show too and this is one of my favorite dances... next to that one with Lacey and Kameron 

big trees and a gentle breeze

I noticed that my last two blogs sound kinda depressing.  Im not actually depressed.  I just get frustrated like most humans.

Im actually a pretty happy person. 

anywhoooo

The baby is very active today... flippin all over the place.  It must be fun in there... all those organs to punch and kick all day!

Its really nice outside.  I hate that I have to work inside.  Whats worse is that I stare out a window all day so its like the day is mocking me. 

 

I want to be out in the sun... I want to soak up those wonderful cancer rays all day long while devouring a good book, sipping on fresh squeezed lemonade.  Even though the Lemonade never  really quenches your thirst.. its natural sweet tart flavor is freakishly addicting, and perfect for the way you feel.

I think i want to go to broad Ripple and feed the ducks.  Maybe not today but this weekend. I have a bunch of corn tortillas that I want out of my house!  I love ducks but will probably forever be just a little freaked out by canadian geese due to some traumatic attacks i experienced as a child.  Oh well.. they are hungry too.

OHHH and Snow Cones!!  My other love of the summer.  Tigers blood is my favorite flavor. And Lime. 

Alright, who's goin with me?  

Just another...

I wish people would stop asking me how Im feeling.  

I feel pregnant

I feel like there is a fetus expanding in my abdomen. 

I feel like an old lady.  

I feel like a walking billboard.

I feel like people ask me that because they don't know what else to say to me...

What I don't feel like is Human.

Im tired of half hearted relationships and mindless chit chat. I want something deep

I miss my bird.

Death in the family.

Friday my dog killed my parrot Socrates.  

people who aren't animal lovers couldn't possibly understand the way I feel... the way it felt the moment I found out.  I have never really had a person in my family die that i knew very well, and after the pain i felt losing an animal I loved, I can't imagine what it would be like.

Thats why my whole post is dedicated to Socrates.  Im sorry if you think its gay.  Its not about what you think.  Its about the way I feel.  

Im not good at bouncing back.

Sometimes im not sure im cut out for this. Growing up.

A little over a year ago I was living my life as a rambler.  Its strange how some of the hardest times in your life become the ones you miss the most.

I don't miss always being hungry.

I don't miss sleeping on the dock.

I don't miss walking a million miles a day

I don't miss him....

but I do miss living life day to day.

I miss the excitement.

I miss the people I met.

I miss the conversation.

I miss not knowing what to expect.

Now a days my life seems so boring.  So planned, so routine.

Im going to be a mom.  

I feel so young and so old at the same time.

I get excited when i feel this little life move around inside of me.  I can't wait to see you.

Im scared that Im not ready, that I won't know what to do.  I don't want to fail  you.

Im depressed that things will never be the same.  I'm scared of what you bring.

I love you so much. But do me a favor baby, don't reply.

because I can dish it out, but i can't take it.