Compulsion

I just got finished writing the latest entry for "my story"  I kinda wish that it read the other way... like my latest entry at the bottom ya know?  However I don't know if you can change that, and if so i have no idea how... but whatever.  Hopefully those who read it, will read it in the correct order, otherwise they will be really confused.

Anyways, I finished writing the latest one  "The Change".  I didn't realize how much I had pushed those feelings away from that day, and i had no idea the impact the words would have on me now.  Even when I told some part of my story, I never went into such detail so now that its all there, it brings back everything.  I suddenly am afraid to continue because of this but I know I have to.  If not for someone else, for me. I just have the overwhelming sense of shame drilled deep to my bones again and Im finding the feeling hard to shake.  I kinda hate how long I know this is going to take.  Its like I want to skip this section and get to the next phase because this is the part I hated the most while I was there.

I had another weird dream last night.

Everything was in water.. but not completely.  The buildings were only the skeletal beams and they were huge and in all different shapes and sizes.  There was no where to go except on the beams, which were in the water that seemed to be getting higher and higher.  In fact, we must have been in the ocean because of the way the water rocked back and forth.

Jake was there but then he wasn't.

I kept losing him and it seemed he was angry with me.  I was scared because deep water freaks me out, but I wanted to find him so I climbed the large beams in a desperate search.

Every now and then I would see familiar faces, but i don't remember anymore who they were. They would just be standing there, staring off into the distance, or just walk past me.

Then suddenly I went into labor and it was hard to move, but I could see Jake now.

He was standing at the end of a long road of beams.  They were put together like boxes spaced slightly apart from each other.  I started going after him but the waves were getting high and strong and I found it hard to keep a grip on the thick beams.  Also the pains were getting worse and i had to basically crawl to get to him.  I finally made it to him but he refused to look at me and then I woke up.

It makes no sense to me. We didn't get in a fight about anything.. I have no idea what its supposed to mean, if anything.