I wonder how I'm going to feel. Its still hard for me to imagine what a mothers love feels like. I love babies and little kids.. but after about 7 or so they start to drive me nuts. It sounds horrible but its hard for me to imagine loving this kid after that point. I don't know why... I guess its because this little dude or dudette is still a complete stranger to me. This little thing is going to come out loving me for no reason at all.. and thats cool to know. But that in itself bring on even more added pressure. Its going to need me more than anyone else ever has. This little person is going to grow up and become somebody based on the way Jake and I take care of him/her. My actions from the time it comes screaming out on, will have an impact on his/her life in some way.
It will be sooo easy for me to screw it up.
I wonder if I will change. I wonder if my free spirit will still be there or if I will be consumed with motherly duties. What if i start adding eys and oeys to everything I say, or I start recording the baby doing nothing for hours like my mother did...
From one of my favorite books...
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
and before the street begins,
and there the grass grows soft and white
and there the sun burns crimson bright
and there the moon-bird rests from his flight
to cool in the peppermint wind
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
and the dark street winds and bends
past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
we shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow
and watch where the chalk-white arrows go
to the place where the sidewalk ends
Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow
and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go
for the children, they mark, and the children, they know
the place where the sidewalk ends.
Shel silverstein
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